What Dreams May Bring
By Sioux
Stargate SG-1
Jack/Daniel
Minute spoilers for Meridian and Revelations
OK to archive for Elfin if she wants it
Feedback always gratefully received.
PG
Disclaimer : Don’t own ‘em and not making a penny off them!
Jack settled back into his easy chair, wriggling shoulder blades against
the comforting embrace of the upholstery.
Tonight hadn’t been such a bad night, all things considered. Sam had
managed to lighten up a little, Teal’c had been less sombre and he’d felt
fine. Well, OK, not fine. But the two bottles of wine Sam and
he had consumed between them with their food and the three JD’s afterwards
had eased the hollow pain in his chest a little.
Lazily he swirled the amber liquid in his glass and took a cautious sip.
He had a fair idea he was going to be having a heavy head tomorrow, but
what the hell. This was his way of giving Daniel a good send off.
Sadly, Jack realised how much the military lack of emotion was beginning
to cripple him. Hell, he hadn’t even shed a tear when he’d watched
Daniel take those first steps into the unknown. He hadn’t even reached
out to touch him one last time. Probably why Sara had walked away
in the end. Who wanted to live with a man who apparently couldn’t
care less if you stayed or if you went?
That was him, Colonel Jack O’Neill, military first, man, very much last.
He stared down into his glass then lifted it reverently, toasting the dimly
lit room.
“To you Danny. May the road always rise up to meet you.”
He took a healthy gulp of the spirit, held its burn in his mouth for a few
seconds then swallowed. He leaned his head back against the chair,
turning slightly to look out of the window. He had only bothered to
switch on a small lamp, just enough light to see his way around the room
without breaking his neck tripping over the furniture.
He sighed at his reflection. How many times had he and Daniel sat here
and cheerfully debated the hockey matches while drinking beer and eating
take-away food? The ache in his chest intensified. He knew that
pain, was intimately familiar with it. It was loss, grief call it what you
will. It was always there lurking around, ready to strike at the most
unexpected moments. He knew he would eventually get used to it and
the wound would scab over until the next fresh one was inflicted.
Charlie, Kawalsky so many other comrades in arms and now his precious Daniel.
Wearily he closed his eyes against the lonely figure looking back at him
in the window.
A faint breeze lifted his hair, like the wind of passage of a body walking
past him to get to the settee.
“Mind if I help myself?”
“Have I ever?”
“No. Always generous with your booze.”
He smiled at the compliment. Hearing the sound of a bottle clinking
against a glass.
“Got any ice?”
“It’s…”
“…in the ice box. Where else?”
Deliberately Jack kept his eyes firmly closed. He heard the ice box
door open, the sound of cubes being poured into the ice bucket then the
sound of the bucket being put on his coffee table. Next to the bottle
he guessed. So, his visitor intended to stay a little while.
“Sam thinks I’m a cold unfeeling bastard,” Jack said, conversationally.
“I know.”
“You don’t sound surprised.”
“Don’t think I am really.”
“You agree with her?”
“Didn’t say that.”
“Do you?”
“No. I don’t.”
“Soooo, how long are you staying?”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“I can’t believe you don’t know the answer to that one!”
A chuckle greeted his remark.
“What’s it like?”
“I can’t really describe it in a way you’d understand.”
Jack hesitated before asking the next question. Part of him desperate
for the right answer, part of him dreading hearing the wrong one.
“Are you happy?”
“Happiness is a relative value.”
“Fer cryin’ out loud! I didn’t understand her when she said all that
stuff and I don’t understand you either! Are you happy?”
“I’m not in pain. I’m warm, I feel loved. I can do a lot more
and I know different things.”
Jack was not unaware his question hadn’t been answered.
“What kinda things?”
“I know how people are feeling. I can sense what they’re thinking.
And you’d like me to prove it?”
“Wouldn’t be me unless I asked that.”
“No, you wouldn’t be you. Well then. Teal’c is happy for me.
He’s also mourning for me. You know Sam needs to work through her
grief. So does the General and Janet. You know I don’t think
I actually realised so many people cared for me so deeply before I got here.
It’s an amazing experience seeing all this emotion, being able to touch
it, letting flow through me…”
Jack swallowed hard. God that sounded just like the Daniel he knew
when he found something new and fascinating. His enthusiasm knew no
bounds.
“Language!”
“What?”
“Language. I’ve spent so much of my life studying language hoping to
communicate and now I see it is such a barrier to real communication.
We cover our feelings with words so the edges are blunted. We use
language to take a step back in case we get hurt. Instead of using
it to let others get close to us, we use it as a suit of armour to keep
them at bay.”
“Yeah,” Jack replied softly.
“For example, I would never have thought of substituting the word admire
for the word love. I’m not sure I could have held on to the insides
of my trouser pockets until my hands bled so I wouldn’t reach out to touch
someone. Then immediately afterwards do the bravest thing I’ve ever
felt and let someone go, when all you wanted to do was to keep them with
you.”
Jack sniffed hard. Scalding tears forcing their way out from under
his closed eyelids.
He heard the sound of a glass being put on the coffee table, then a body
raising itself up from the settee. A faint scent of a familiar cologne
washed over him, he breathed deeply trying to hold the memory for a while
longer.
“What’s the matter? Got something in your eye, Jack?”
“Yeah, a bit of grit,” he mumbled, lying through his teeth.
Without warning gentle fingers brushed his tears away, shocking Jack into
opening his eyes.
Daniel was kneeling on one knee at the side of his chair, concentrating on
wiping the salty liquid off his skin. When he realised Jack was watching
him he stopped what he was doing, took his hands away and smiled before
saying,
“You’re a hell of a brave man Jack O’Neill and I’ve come to admire you, despite
what a pain in the ass you can be!”
Despite himself Jack smiled back.
“That’s better!”
Slowly, giving Jack ample time to object, if he wanted to, Daniel leaned
forward. Soft, warm lips placed a butterfly kiss on Jack’s forehead.
“And I love you and I miss you all,” Daniel said very softly.
Jack sensed the other man was preparing to leave again. It was now
or never.
“Danny!”
There was no reply as Daniel got to his feet. Jack glanced up quickly
then lowered his eyes. Daniel was staring through the darkened windows
so Jack took a chance and said the quiet words anyway.
“I miss you.”
“I know,” came the calm reply.
“You knew? You just wanted to hear me say that, did you?” Jack asked,
looking up at Daniel and holding his gaze.
Danny looked almost amused as he looked down at Jack and replied,
“I didn’t need to hear you say it. I know you miss me. Just like
I know you keep looking at that photograph of us all you keep locked in
your desk drawer at work. Just like I know how much you hate Jonas’
people for what happened to me. You need to let that hatred and guilt go.”
He paused before adding softly, “Just like I know now how much you love
me.”
Jack swallowed hard against the lump in his throat and dropped his gaze again.
“Are you coming back?” he asked, unsteadily, looking at a point on the carpet.
“Leave that for now.”
Jack nodded.
“Jack!”
“Yeah?”
“I am happy where I am. It’s where I need to be for a little while.”
Jack didn’t look at his friend again. Instead he felt his mostly empty
glass being taken out of his hand. Still he refused to look.
If he looked, this dream Daniel would go and there would just be a lonely,
grey-haired man sitting in a chair looking at his own reflection in the
dark mirror of his window, once more.
“Now go to sleep. You’ve a busy day tomorrow,” Daniel ordered.
“Will you come and see us again?” Jack asked almost shyly.
“Do you think I would stay away?”
“Hope not,” he replied sleepily, with a half smile.
Finally he looked properly at Daniel. He looked fine. Happy,
healthy and curiously at peace. Daniel bestowed a sweet smile on him
before saying firmly,
“Sleep. Now!”
Jack cracked open a gritty, sore eyelid and glared at the strong shaft of
sunlight which had dared to wake him from such pleasant dreams. Despite
his tongue feeling as if it were growing a carpet and his head being dull
and heavy he felt remarkably peaceful, until he tried to move. Sleeping
in a chair wasn’t the most highly recommended position for the older damaged
back. He squirmed experimentally until most of the kinks had eased,
then he hunched forwards, rubbing his eyes. Tracks of dried tears
on his cheeks told him he had been crying last night in his sleep.
Grief dreams he called them, his subconscious working its way through things
for him. Briskly he rubbed his face and stood up, looking around on
the floor for where his glass must have fallen from his hand. It wasn’t
on the floor anywhere. His eye fell on the coffee table. The
he sat down again, slowly. Two glasses, side by side. Both had
been used and his ice bucket was there too, half full of melted ice cubes.
He didn’t like ice in his drink. Instinctively he looked at the settee.
The corner cushion bore the slight imprint of a body. He sniffed as
a wonderful heavenly scent reached him from his kitchen. He raced
through to find the coffee pot hot and full of the fragrant brew.
Jack raced across to his guest bedroom, where Daniel used to sleep when
he stayed over, and threw open the door. Empty. So was his own
bedroom. Slowly he made his way back to the kitchen and filled a mug
with coffee. He turned to reach into his ice box for milk then caught
sight of the new addition stuck to the door with a magnet. The mug
slid out of his hand and smashed. He didn’t even notice where the
hot coffee splashed him, as he stared in total disbelief at the photograph.
The last time he had seen that was the previous evening, just before Sam,
Teal’c and himself had headed off to grab some dinner. Just prior
to feeling that strange breeze in the mountain complex. He had been
gazing at this photo, remembering happier times, then he had locked it in
the drawers of his desk, at work.