Illusion
by elfin
(Curt Wild POV as he stands by the white Rolls....)
'So, you're sending me away. What do I care, right? You're God, what I am? What could I possibly ever have been, standing in your shadow? You're watching me from the window, waiting for what? These tears? They're not for you, Bri, they're for me.
I should have known this would happen. Fantasies can't last forever, can they? You gave me a glimpse of everything I desired, sheltered me from everything that was wrong, accepted me without question. And used me. But hell, I let you, didn't I? Gave you my devotion, my talent, my body for christsake. I gave myself to you utterly, and you took everything you wanted and needed and more.
You fucked me up and I let you. So I'm the only one to blame here. What I felt in your arms, in your kiss... that kiss we shared in front of them all as they watched. How far would you have let me take it that night, if Divine hadn't stepped in? Did you see that look in his eyes? Lust for you, Bri. For me... jealousy, and curiousity. Only his British upbringing stopped us from doing it there on the floor. He wanted to watch. He would never have admitted it, and never participated. But in his eyes I read the questions.
What I could see of his eyes, after the flashes. Everyone wanted to watch. Everyone wanted to witness the consumation of the oh-so public, oh-so created relationship between us. Repulsion almost changed into interest. How many will jerk off to those photos? How many cocks will weep over tomorrow's newspapers? Is that what all this is for?
Yet in all of it, I know you love me. Now, Bri, you have the power, the control. But I swear the next time we meet, that will have changed. You found me. You saved me. Only to toss me away again. But you did find me, choose me. And you will again. Because you do love me. You need me. Because only I give you the freedom, the permission, to do everything you need to do. Without me you're just a fag, with makeup and dresses and blue dyed hair. With me, you're the centre of a universe, even if it is only mine.
If I could admit it, I would say that you've torn a part of me away that I'll never get back. I might even say that I won't regret you, regret feeling for you everything that's pulsing in my veins. But I can't do that. There are no choices for me anymore, if there ever were.
So, Bri, you're sending me away. I take only the memories. The feel of your skin, the scent of your arousal, the touch of your body, the taste of your cock, it's length and thickness and power. If I close my eyes I can relive that kiss. If I'm lucky. I could relive that fuck, if I wanted to. Not rape, Bri, because I freely gave you everything, and you took it. Maybe you took more. Does it matter now?
I love you, Brian. I could never say that to your face in fear you'd laugh in mine. But it's true. And I'm scared that it always will be. We will see each other again. We'll probably try to take from one another what we gave this time. But you'll only leave afterwards. I'll always take what little you can spare. It'll keep me going. It'll have to.
Where the hell are we going with all this, Bri? And what the fuck did I do wrong? I know you won't replace me. You can't. Because everything you have of me, I have of you. Next time I grab my cock in desperation, it'll be your name on my lips, your aroused body in my mind. I just have to imagine your mouth swallowing me to get it up. I don't need much more to get it off.
I'll see you around Bri. Don't let this destroy you. Don't ever pretend that this is the end of you, it's not the end of me. There was a Curt Wild before Brian Slade, and he's not lost, just buried. I can find him again, I can be him again. In his place I'll bury everything you made me, everything I am as I turn from your arms, pushed away from everything my screwed up brain loves.
Fuck you, Brian Slade. As you fucked me.'
...