Three - ("...and it seems that we've still got a long, long way to go, I know...")

      In Sonny's mind, he had been pushing again and again at the door that was in front of him. He had been hearing voices, seeing images around him, like he was looking out through the peep-hole in the door. And then, the door had opened. He had walked through it, apprehensively. Just as he was through it, it slammed shut behind him.

      Now he was standing in front of the door. He could open his eyes and see people he knew. He could understand some of what they were saying. He could move parts of his body, in reaction to his surroundings. It was as if he had been freed from a lonely prison.

      But a lot of what was said to him did not make any sense. He felt confused as to why he was not understanding. He feared there was something wrong with him. He couldn't clear his head. He was terrified.

      Inside might have been a prison, but things here, outside the door, were frightening and often incomprehensible. It seemed as if every movement he made, almost every breath, caused him pain. And these people were doing things to him that he did not want to think about; but he was powerless to stop them. This brightly lit world was terrifying.

      But there was one person that never hurt him. He recognized Rico. He always felt happy and safe when it was just Rico with him in this place. Sonny had clung desperately to the gentle tones of Rico's voice while he had been trapped behind the door. That voice had been his lifeline, an anchor to grab onto to when the darkness had called to him.

      Fear and pain sent him reeling back against the door repeatedly. And although he fought to stay in the light, not wanting to descend once more into the darkness, he found himself curled up in the shadow of that doorway. And still he clung to the comforting voice that cradled him.

****

Saturday

      "...we need to consider making the pain medication available to him when he needs it." Bri explained. "There's a 'patient demand' system that we can attach to one of the IV lines. It'll deliver small doses of the drug when he needs it. With so many injuries, as well as the high probability that there has been some nerve trauma, he's been in almost constant pain." Bri saw Rico's eyes dart to check on Sonny. "I'm afraid that with this high level of distress, he won't heal as quickly as he should. He's using too much of his energy just to deal with it."

      Rico nodded. They were standing in one corner of the room. The nurses were turning Sonny, after subjecting him to the ritual daily bed bath and shave. Bri knew Rico was not going to like what was coming next, but he had to be told. "One other thing we're worried about is the exit wound on his back. The bullet caused some serious damage. It's left a fairly large hole in Sonny's back and it's not healing properly. We've scheduled skin graft surgery for Tuesday morning."

      Rico looked at Fielding appalled, "Another operation? So soon? Is he strong enough?"
      Fielding withered under Rico's gaze. "No, not really. But he can't be left to suffer. Pain as intense as he's feeling will only slow down his recovery. The skin graft will help him in the long run."

      The nurses finished and slowly left, one pausing to talk quietly to Bri.

      Once it had fallen quiet in the room, Fielding realized he could hear a soft noise. He moved over to the bed where Sonny had been turned to face away from the door. Fielding looked down and saw that Sonny was tapping his index finger over and over again on to the mattress. Moving forward, Bri reached down and gently stroked Sonny's finger. "Sonny. It's Doctor Fielding. Are you okay?" The tapping continued, and Rico came over to them, concerned.

      The moment Rico was in Sonny's line of sight, he relaxed. The finger tapping stopped.

      In his mind, he could see a dim light pushing at the shadows that surrounded him. It was a comforting light. He could feel the warmth radiating from it, and he wanted to go nearer to it. But the pain was stopping him. He could remember someone telling him that if the pain was too much, he should say so. It was the voice that was speaking to him now.

      Sonny swallowed. He wanted to tell these people that he hurt, but it was even painful to try to communicate. He desperately wanted to make them understand. Then maybe they would make the pain go away. In a voice that was little more than a whisper, he spoke. "Hurts."

      Fielding sat by the head of Sonny's bed. He let Rico pour some juice and put the straw in the glass to Sonny's lips. Sonny had a few sips before settling back. But his face was taut with pain. "Sonny. Where does it hurt?"

      "Back. Inside."
      "On your back?" As he spoke, Fielding reached out and touched the back of Sonny's hand, to indicate that he should use his fingers to communicate with them. He lifted his index finger once. Bri was not surprised. The wound was still very raw. It could not be stitched because the bullet had blown away too much skin and muscle. It was the reason they had scheduled a skin graft to assist in its healing. But, although in the long run it would help, for a time the pain was going to be severe. They could not have Sonny suffering like this.

      "Where inside does it hurt?"
      There was a long pause, then Sonny whispered. "Everywhere."
      "Okay, Sonny. I'll see what I can do for you."
      He stood and directed Rico to sit in his place. "Distract him, hold his hand and keep him calm. I'm going to set up the patient demand pump. It'll take a few minutes so just bear with him. Try to take his mind off the pain."

      Rico reached over to the side and picked up the open copy of "The ABC Murders." Taking Sonny's hand in his own, making sure he had Sonny's attention, he started to read. The ECG showed the definite decrease in Sonny's heart rate as Rico's sonorous voice quietly relayed the continuing plot of the thriller. By the time Bri returned with the pump and its monitoring equipment, Sonny had relaxed a bit, although the tiny pain lines etched in his face were still obvious.

      Quietly, the doctor set up the pump that would allow Sonny small doses of painkiller when he required them. He ensured that Sonny got an immediate dose, and within minutes his patient had slipped into sleep.

      Later, Fielding explained to Sonny how to use the demand pump. With the touch of a button, he could call for a dose of pain-killer. He explained that there were strict limits on how much morphine could be called for in any one time period, but he assured Sonny that he would be more comfortable on the pump.

****

      After being connected to the morphine pump, Sonny started to rest better, and for longer periods of time. Fielding noticed that if he woke to find that Rico was not there, he would quickly become agitated. It was difficult to calm him, and he resisted going back to sleep. But if Rico was there, Sonny would have a drink, just a sip or two, and settle quickly. This only confirmed to Fielding that he had been right. Sonny had latched on to Rico's voice as a safety line. If Rico was present, quietly reading to Sonny or even just talking to him, it was okay for Sonny to sleep then.

      In Sonny's mind, the light was getting brighter, and warmer. It was so tempting to move towards it. There was less pain now. He uncurled himself from the safety of the shadows, and started walking cautiously toward the light. As he did, the shadows disappeared. The light enshrouded him and hit the dark wood of the closed door behind.


Tuesday morning

      Two on-duty nurses had almost finished bathing their patient, when the ever-present Bri Fielding bade them good morning. One shook her head slightly. Speculation was running high about Dr. Fielding's involvement in this patient's recovery. Nearly everyone, it seemed, had noticed that he hardly left the hospital anymore. He always seemed to be in this ICU room if he was not needed in surgery.

      Waiting for the nurses to finish, Bri checked Sonny's charts, although he knew them by heart and had written the majority of them anyway.

      Fielding looked up as Sonny was covered with a fresh gown and sheet. Two clear green eyes were looking straight back at him, almost accusingly. He moved nearer to Sonny as the two nurses left the room. "Hi."
      "Hi."

      Bri blinked in surprise. Obviously, Sonny's throat was much better. Although not as strong as it normally was, his voice was definitely audible. Bri did not allow himself to be taken aback for long. "How are you feeling?"

      "Sore. Where's Rico?"
"I sent him to get some sleep. He'd been in here all night. He'll be back soon. Do you want a drink?"
      "Yeah."
      Bri poured some juice and offered Sonny the straw, holding the glass for him. This time, instead of just accepting the offer, Sonny tried to sit up. Fielding put the glass down quickly, and gently, but firmly, stopped Sonny from trying to move. "Hey, just take it easy."

      Sonny tried again, sending searing pain shooting up through his spine. His face contorted and he cried out. Bri stood and helped Sonny to settle back onto his side. "You have to lie still." He re-adjusted the sheet over Sonny, lifting it slightly to check the pillow between his knees. He imagined he could feel Sonny freeze as the sheet was lifted. "I'm sorry Sonny. I have to look after you."

      Sonny reluctantly relaxed, and accepted the straw when Fielding offered it again.

      "Sonny, we're going to operate on you later this morning. We're going to do a skin graft to help heal the wound on your back. I know you've been in a lot of pain because of it. This operation will help."

      Sonny's expression betrayed his fear. Bri tried to comfort him. He carefully explained what the procedure entailed. But he was immensely glad to see Rico arrive - so was Sonny. Fielding moved so that Rico could sit by the head of Sonny's bed. He quietly mentioned that the nurse would be in to administer the pre-med in an hour, then he left the two men alone.

      Rico took Sonny's hand in his own. His partner's eyes were clearer, his expression a mix of pain and fear. "How are you feeling?" Sonny looked away, and Rico gently reached out to touch his hair. "You can tell me."
      Sonny met Rico's gaze. "I'm scared, Rico."
      "I know. The operation is going to take away some of the pain."

      This time, it was Sonny who squeezed Rico's hand. He moved his thumb over the dark fingers thoughtfully. "How long have I been in here?"
      "Just over two weeks."
      A pause. Then, "Thanks for being here." Sonny again met Rico's loving gaze. He wanted to tell Rico that he should get out of the hospital. That he should go back to work. That he, Sonny, would be okay. But Sonny knew deep inside that he did not want Rico to leave him. He was scared. He could not go through this on his own. He was overwhelmingly glad that Rico had chosen to stay here with him.
      "Sonny, I'm not going anywhere. I won't let you face this on your own. So don't worry about that. You just relax and get better for me. For us. Everyone's thinking of you."

      Under Rico's concerned gaze, Sonny still seemed anxious. He hated to think that Sonny was worrying about anything. He was in enough pain as it was. Rico did not want anything else bothering his partner. "Sonny, what's worrying you? Is it the operation?"
      "No." Again, Sonny seemed hesitant.
      "You can talk to me. It's okay."
      Obviously uncomfortable, Sonny tried to shift position and again his face contorted with the agony that soared through him. "Sonny, relax. Please, talk to me."
      "I.... Sometimes, I wake up and you're not here." Sonny saw the look in Rico's eyes and quickly added, "And that's okay. You should get on with your life. I just...." He swallowed. This all sounded so childish. "I get scared that you're not coming back."

      Rico felt tears stinging his eyes. He so desperately wanted to pull Sonny into his arms and hug him. He wanted to make all the pain and the fear go away. But he could not.

      Instead, leaning close, Rico took Sonny's hand and held it to his face. He reveled in the warmth of Sonny's touch. Sonny was watching him intently. Those beautiful green eyes, the eyes he felt he could drown in, were following his every move.
      "Sonny, I love you." He turned and kissed the palm of Sonny's hand. "I'm never going to leave you. I won't abandon you. If you wake, and I'm not here, I'm only down the corridor. You only have to ask for me." He rubbed the back of the hand he still held against his cheek.
      "How can I get on with my life while you're lying here? You *are* my life, Sonny." He saw tears glistening in Sonny's eyes. "So I'm going to be here with you until you are well enough to go home. And then I'm going to look after you until everything's all right again." A tear made its way down Sonny's cheek. "And even then, I'll still be there for you. Don't ever worry that I'm not coming back, because I always will."

      Carefully minding all the wires and tubes, Rico leaned over and touched his lips to Sonny's forehead. Sonny's eyes closed, and finally he started to drift off to sleep again. Just before his breathing shallowed, he murmured, "I love you too, Rico."

      Rico watched as Sonny slept. And after a while his tears stopped falling. Leaving the room, when the nurse came to administer the pre-med and prep Sonny for surgery, was the hardest thing Rico had ever done.

****

      Stan found Rico in the cafeteria. Sonny had been in theatre for 30 minutes. It would be a while yet. Stan bought Rico a coffee and a Danish. He filled Rico in on what had been happening over at OCB. Castillo had arranged for Crockett and Tubbs' cases to be followed up by other officers, or in some cases, at a later date. Some dealers went by credentials, and specifically wanted Burnett. They were willing to wait while Burnett sheltered from the heat, out of town, for a while.

      Caroline continued to call in every day for an update on Sonny's condition. She had had to return to Atlanta because of work, but kept in close touch for Billy's and her own peace of mind. Nearly everyone in the Vice unit routinely checked on Sonny's progress. They were all worried.

      "You know that Bodelle's been released from here, don't you?" Stan asked carefully.
      "No, I didn't." Rico stared at the coffee cup in front of him. He thought he should feel something about the man who had shot his partner. Anger. hatred.... Something. But his immediate hatred for Bodelle had burned out about a week into this nightmare. He could not do Sonny any good by being consumed by the negative feelings for the drug dealer. Now, he just felt numb about Bodelle. It was not fair. It was not right. But right now it was all he could feel. It was taking all of Rico's strength to support Sonny. Nothing else truly mattered. "No one said anything."
      "Well, he was taken straight into custody. His arraignment is tomorrow morning, if you want to attend. He won't make bail, you can bet on that." Stan paused and glanced at the files he had carried in with him. "Rico, the Bravara case is in court a week from Thursday. Your testimony is absolutely required."
      As the news sank in, Rico looked horrified. "Stan, I can't.... I mean...."
      "You have to." Stan could see the thought of leaving Sonny was tearing at Rico. "Look, I'll come in and sit with Sonny. Without you, Bravara will walk. Castillo says you have to be there."
      Rico knew he had to go. He had been the arresting officer in the case. It all hung on his testimony. He nodded. "Okay. But I'll need the case files so I can review everything."
      Stan patted the stack next to him. "Already brought 'em in for you." He looked at Rico. "Explain to Sonny what's happening so he won't worry about you not being here. And if it looks like the case is going to take awhile, we'll work something out. Someone will always be here with Sonny. Okay?"
      Rico simply nodded, grateful for Stan's understanding.

      They sat in a companionable silence for a while. Then Stan said, "You look exhausted. You should get some proper rest."
      "I'm not leaving him."
      "No one's asking you to. But we're here, for both of you. Let me, or Gina or Trudy sit with him for a couple of hours, after work. Just while you catch up a bit."
      "Maybe. Maybe when they move him from ICU."
      Stan accepted that. "There's something else."
      "What?"
      "The day Sonny was shot, while you were with him in Recovery, Izzy turned up. He was very concerned about Sonny. He told us that Roger Travellyan was seen at Bodelle's place in Tampa a few days before the bust at the docks."
      Rico lifted his hand to his mouth, his thoughts racing. "So Bodelle could have known that Sonny and I were cops."
      Stan shook his head, "He would never have turned up to the deal. I think Travellyan just warned Bodelle to be careful. Maybe something made Travellyan suspicious. According to Izzy, the two were slightly more than just good friends."
      Rico nodded, "That would make sense. Bodelle's certainly Travellyan's type." He sipped his coffee. "I think you're right about Bodelle. I'm almost certain that Travellyan has a thing for Sonny. I don't think he would have knowingly set Sonny up."
      "Maybe. Or maybe it's the real thing with Bodelle. If Travellyan had voiced his suspicions, that would have been enough to set Bodelle and his henchmen on edge."
      Rico's gaze hardened. Suddenly, there was someone to blame.

****

      Fielding made certain that Sonny was comfortable in Recovery before returning to his office. The skin graft had been successful. For a short while - maybe a few days - Sonny would be in greater pain. They had taken layers of skin from his left buttock and right inner thigh. Bri prayed it was the last time his patient had to go into surgery. He hoped Sonny was strong enough to come through this time.

      He sat at his desk and picked up the top document from the 'In' tray. Sonny's routine blood test results. As a matter of course they had tested for HIV/AIDS. He had come up negative. Bri had to make a decision about explaining the threat of HIV, from the blood Sonny had been given, to Rico. He was convinced that either there was already intimacy between Sonny and Rico, or that there soon would be. He was sure that was where their relationship had been headed, when this ordeal had begun for them.

      They would retest Sonny in six months, and then once again in another six months. If he was still negative, he would be in the clear. But Bri needed to make certain that Rico understood the threat and that he and Sonny would have to practice safe sex. Approaching the subject, however, was not as easy as making to the decision to do so. It would be a while before Sonny was able to do anything without it hurting. At the moment, Rico could not even give his partner a gentle hug because of the extent of Sonny's injuries.

      He glanced at his watch. 1:13 pm. It would be two hours at least, before Sonny woke from the anaesthetic. Then he would be returned to ICU. Bri knew he would soon be under pressure to move Sonny into a private room. But it was too soon. Fielding wanted Sonny off the morphine pump before he left ICU. That probably was not going to happen for the next week.

      Sonny's simple physiotherapy was continuing. They were hoping to keep his muscles as toned as possible. They had not really dealt with the memory issue yet. Bri suspected that Sonny's mind had blocked out everything that was too painful to remember. He doubted Sonny would ever remember being on the docks that evening.

      But he was going to be okay. That was the important thing.

****

      Bri led Rico quietly into Sonny's ICU room.
      "He's out of the anaesthetic, but he's still woozy from the pain-med. We have to keep him immobilized for a few days, to let the graft take."
      Rico smiled at him, "Thanks." He moved to sit by Sonny's bed, his eyes drifting over his partner's still form. He took hold of Sonny's hand.
      "Sonny. It's Rico. You're back in ICU."
      Sonny's green eyes opened and gazed at Rico with a glassy expression. He gave Rico a weak smile and drifted back off to sleep.
      Bri watched them for a moment, and then checked Sonny's charts. "A man calling himself Roger Jarell has been phoning the hospital inquiring about Sonny's condition." He looked up from the clipboard. "Do you know him?"
      Rico thought for a moment, then nodded. Travellyan. He let out a deep sigh. "He didn't say anything about visiting, did he?"
      "No, he said it was best that he didn't come forward."
      The relief in Rico's eyes was almost tangible. "He may have been the reason Bodelle shot Sonny."
      Bri could hear the hatred in Rico's voice. Keeping the conversation volume low, he said, "Why blame someone else? As I understand it, Kym Bodelle shot Sonny. Surely, the blame lies completely with him?"
      Rico sighed, "That's like blaming a tiger for attacking a man who's poking it with a stick. A nervous dealer will shoot at anything he feels is a threat. Don't get me wrong, Bodelle will go down for attempted murder. But someone put him and his thugs on edge that evening. That's the reason Sonny was shot."

****

      "'...'A picture of some kind, I think,' said Mrs. Bantry. 'You know, Italian. I think it was a copy of a Bellini Madonna, but I'm not sure. A picture where the Virgin is holding up a laughing child.'....'"
      "The actress did it."
      Rico looked up from the book, and Bri looked around from where he was checking the 'demand pump'. Rico had started reading Agatha Christie's 'The Mirror Crack'd From Side To Side' about an hour ago. Sonny had been lightly dozing under the influence of the morphine medication. This was the first time he had spoken since Rico had begun the 'Miss Marple' novel.
      "Excuse me?" Rico looked astounded.

      Sonny opened his eyes. "The actress did it."
      Bri smiled as Rico asked, "Have you read this?"
      "Nope."
      "So how do you know?"
      "'s obvious." His eyes drifted closed. He was tired and at the moment there was no pain. He liked to listen to Rico reading to him. Sometimes he would just lie and watch Rico. But just after he had had a dose of medication, he usually slept, drifting off to the sound of Rico's voice.

      This time, however, he had just lain awake and listened to the story. And worked out who did it long before Miss Marple had even started to investigate.

      As Sonny's eyes closed, Rico muttered jovially, "You're going to go to sleep now, aren't you?"
      He felt Sonny squeeze his hand. "Please, keep reading."
      Rico skipped to the last pages of the novel and read in silence for a moment. Then he looked back at his smiling partner. "How did you know?"
      Sonny sighed. "The woman who died... she was ill when she went to see the actress... the baby was brain damaged 'cause the actress had been ill... the woman gave it to her."
      Sonny's explanation was expectedly rough in his condition. But it was correct. Bri tapped Rico on the shoulder. "Is he right?"
      Rico nodded, "Yeah."

      Sonny's breathing lengthened as he slipped into sleep. Bri chuckled to himself. "Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with his mind."
      Rico put the book down with feigned indignity.

      It had been a difficult couple of days since the skin graft operation. Sonny had been in a lot of pain, complaining of severe 'burning' on his thigh and bottom. They had changed the wet, sterile dressings, on the two skin donor sites, every two hours, when they turned him. But it did not seem to help.

      On one occasion, the night after the graft, Rico had woken in the middle of the night. He checked in on Sonny only to find him lying in the dark, silently crying in pain. Rico called a nurse, but there was nothing she could do to help. He still had an hour to go before he could have his next dose. She suggested that Rico stay with him until then. Rico had never considered doing anything else.

      Rico pulled the chair close to Sonny's bed. He took Sonny's hand in his and held it to his lips, kissing it gently.
      "Sonny. I know you're in pain, but I promise it'll be better soon."
      "I'm tired...." His sobs were breaking Rico's heart. "I just want it all to go away...."
      Rico stroked Sonny's hair. There was nothing he could do but be there. Sonny did not say anything more. His tears subsided as Rico's rhythmic stroking of Sonny's hair calmed him.

      After a while, Sonny sniffed. Rico reached over to the side and took some tissues from the box. With infinite care, he wiped Sonny's eyes and put a tissue in his hand. Sonny weakly blew his nose. His eyes closed in exhaustion. Rico continued to stroke Sonny's hair as his breathing changed. He was not sleeping, but he was dozing, and that was better than nothing.

      The minutes ticked passed.
      "Rico...."
      "I'm here, Sonny."
      "Read to me."
      "Okay." He found the copy of 'At Bertrams Hotel' on the trolley. Still with Sonny's hand held gently in his, Rico started to read quietly.

      Sonny did not sleep until after his next dose of morphine, but he rested. The flowing sounds of Rico's voice cradled him as it had when he had been trapped behind the door in his mind and, later, as he had huddled in the shadows.

      Now, as he lay and listened to those gentle tones, Sonny found himself in his own mind once more. He looked back into the shadows behind to the closed door that loomed over him. He knew, somehow, that there would come a time that he would have to go back to the door, and open it. But he knew also that Rico would be there with him when he did. For now, he was content just to stay in the light.

      After that night, although Sonny still continued to be in a lot of pain, his condition started to improve dramatically.

      Now Rico sat reading the rest of 'The Mirror Cracked...' silently to himself. Sonny was sleeping, comfortable now that the pain from the skin graft sites had become bearable.

      Bri pulled up a chair next to Rico, turned it and straddled it, resting his arms on the back. "Rico, I need to talk to you about... a delicate subject."
      Rico closed the book and looked at the doctor. "Sure."
      "You have to tell me if I'm way off on this. I think I'm right, but I could just be imagining things. I guess." He looked nervous and Rico shrugged.
      "What is it?"
      Fielding took a deep breath. "Sonny will have to be tested again for HIV and AIDS in six months' time, and again in another six. He was given a lot of blood when he was admitted and there is a small risk of contamination with each unit and he had to be given so many. Obviously, we take all the precautions that we can. And I've read the medical records for both of you - I know you were both negative at your last test three months ago. I just wanted to warn you...."
      Rico finished the sentence for him, "...to be careful."
      "Yes."
      Rico nodded. "Okay."

      Bri stood up, unsure if the subject really had been covered. He reasoned that Rico was an intelligent man, he was not going to take any unnecessary risks. He changed the subject.
      "We're starting to come under pressure from the insurance company to transfer Sonny to a normal room. Waltham has some sway with them and he doesn't wasn't Sonny moved for another few days. So it'll probably be next Monday or Tuesday. He'll remain here in the trauma unit and I've arranged for him to have a private room. I though both of you might appreciate it."
      Rico nodded. "Thanks. Not just for that, but for everything."
      "It's okay, honestly. I just hope I'm helping to make this slightly easier for you. The doctors' facilities will still be available for you. I know if we threw you out at night you'd only sleep in your car." Rico smiled.
      Bri put the chair back in the corner and headed for the door. "I'll let you finish your book."

**************************************

Chapter Four