A Study In Light
by elfin
Part Two: Explanations and Consequences.

Sonny Crockett was the only person Ricardo Tubbs knew who could curl himself into a car seat for the duration of a night time stakeout and not fidget. His partner looked calm and comfortable, his concentration set on the doorway that had their attention this night. But Rico knew that he was far from okay. It had been only two weeks since the horrific time they'd spent at Cintaro's place, Castillo had questioned their returning to work so soon - but Sonny had insisted that he'd once again fixed and cleaned everything on the boat that he could fix or clean. Castillo couldn't work out what had happened - something was going on between his two senior detectives, but it wasn't getting in the way of their work so he left it alone.

But Rico knew Sonny hadn't healed. He'd blocked out the memories, he didn't think about it in the hope that it would go away. Physically - outwardly - he was fine. He wasn't sleeping during the nights at the boat, the only time Rico knew he slept was on these stakeouts. He was so tired Rico just let him catch up - agreeing to wake him if anything looked to be happening. But nothing had happened and this was the fourth night at this particular door. Tonight though, Sonny wasn't sleeping. He'd been looking at Rico for some time. Finally he said, "Rico, I need to talk."

"Sure Sonny, go ahead."

Crockett looked down into his lap, then up again, "Not here."

Then Rico knew what his partner wanted to talk about. Since the night they'd spent in the galley of the St.Vitus, Sonny being rocked to sleep in Rico's embrace, he'd dreaded the conversation he knew Sonny now wanted. While Sonny had tried to forget what had happened at Cintaro's, Rico had thought about precious little else. He'd tried to explain to himself, not the rape, but the hours before: the scene in Sonny's room, the dance, holding him close and wanting him so much. He'd often wondered - before the world had gone insane - whether there were possibilities. Sonny had sometimes looked at him with so much affection. Deep inside he had probably known he was only dreaming, but at least he'd been able to dream. Now, after what Cintaro had forced him to do, even dreaming made him feel guilty. And Sonny wanted to talk. Up until now there hadn't been any animosity between them; for reasons that Rico could not comprehend, Sonny had kept closer to him, rather than pushing him away. He'd expected to lose Sonny as a partner and certainly as a friend. That just hadn't happened. There was an atmosphere between them, but it wasn't strained, it was almost electric.

Rico picked up the handset, "This is Detective Tubbs, requesting replacements for the Antonio stakeout."

There was a crackling hiss, "On their way Detective Tubbs."

When the second car showed up, Rico turned to Sonny, "So, your place or mine?"

The Spice Club was a quiet cafe open 24 hours a day. It's clientelle was particular and always well behaved. Tonight, it was nearly empty. As was his habit when they spent time here, Sonny sat cross-legged on the low bar. When Rico pulled up a bar stool and sat down, they were eye-to-eye.

Sonny lit a cigarette, and Rico couldn't help the surprised glance: Sonny hadn't smoked in years. Holding the short white length between two fingers, Sonny gestured that it was a one-off. "Izzy thought I needed it."

Rico smiled - suspicious cigarettes. "What was it you wanted to talk about?" It was an unnecessary question - but he wanted to be sure.

When Sonny spoke, it was slowly, like he was choosing his words from an invisible list written on his palm. "I've been thinking.. about that night at Cintaro's... Rico you are one of only two people on this entire planet who I trust. I have never had anyone as close to me as you've been.. I've also never had anyone hurt me as much as you did that night." He sucked a long, strengthening drag on his smoke. And when he looked up to meet his partner's eyes, he saw tears filling them. At the sight, his own tears started again as they had done so many times over the past two weeks. "I'm sorry..."

"Don't apologize, please. You have nothing to be sorry about. All those men in that room who could have hurt you, and it was me - the one you thought you could trust - who raped you."

"No..." Sonny stretched out a hand and touched Rico's arm, "You didn't have any choice - I'm sure about that." There was a long, peaceful silence as both men gathered their thoughts. "Rico, that night, before everything, I asked you if you were attracted to me and you never gave me an answer."

Rico looked across at his partner: when Sonny had first asked him that question they had been in a different world - away from real life, relaxed by the spiked drinks, brought together by the survival instincts that ensured they always worked as partners. They knew each other so well, they played off each other; knowing what the other was going to say, knowing where they were reaching to with a line of conversation - it was the knowledge that had kept them alive though the most dangerous situations. Here, in real life - rather than the undercover lives they lived so often - Sonny's question would reach deep into Rico's soul.

After a moment, Sonny said quietly, "I'd like an answer now."

Their eyes met and locked. "No Sonny, you wouldn't." The blond man started to protest, but Rico held up a halting finger. "Listen to me for a minute." His voice was low - it would have been seductively low if that was the mood he was setting. "What we have is very special. You and I have been to hell and back together, we've been there for one another, we seen each other in our weakest and strongest moments. Through that whole Burnett thing after Katlin was killed; when I fell apart after Valerie left; I was there for you and you were there for me. It's a very special partnership - you mean the world to me. I don't want to lose you - I thought I would have after what I did to you, but you stayed; I'm not gonna risk that again. So I'm not gonna give you an answer, I'd just like to go back to the way things were - if you think you ever can."

Sonny listened, letting out a deep breath when Rico finished. He didn't need an answer; he already knew. He could read it deep in his partner's eyes - it had been there from the start, but now it was stronger. Sonny had been thinking about it since Cintaro's. After Katlin was murdered he'd thought he'd never love anyone again. He'd shut himself off from the world, hiding in his own grief. But Rico had broken through, standing and letting him scream and yell at him, blame him for something he could never have prevented. After the month he'd spent in the amnesia-induced nightmare, believing himself to be Burnett, Rico had believed in him: trusting him beyond the bounds of reality, returning again and again to try to rescue him, and eventually forgiving him - holding him tight as he'd cried out his apologies into Rico's embrace.

They'd been close - there wasn't another living human being on the planet who'd seen him so low, or knew him so well. And even after all that - the love that shone deep in Rico's eyes - however hard he tried to hide it - still was as bright as it had ever been.

He hadn't wanted anything more until now - until that scene between the two of them during the Dome case. Over the past two weeks they hadn't done much save to sit in the car and watch Antonio's door: normal procedure - put them on easy work until the Lieutenant was sure that they'd be okay in the firing line. And during those hours that they'd sat in the white Ferrari, Sonny had watched his partner and thought about him - about how it might be between them.

But whatever he wanted now, he knew deep inside that he wasn't ready. He still couldn't sleep for the pain nightmares that haunted him; he still winced if anyone touched him.

In answer to Rico, he simply nodded.

They left The Spice Club together and returned to the stakeout. For the rest of the night, Rico couldn't shake the feeling that he'd turned down an offer he'd been waiting for for a long, long time. ****

Sonny grabbed the running boy and gathered him into his arms, holding him tight. "Billy, I've missed you."

His son was returning the hug, his small arms wrapped around his father's neck. "I've missed you too Dad."

Caroline watched the touching reunion - and when her eyes met Sonny's she knew there was something different about him - something had changed. Tearing her gaze from that blue storm, she motioned to Billy. "Come on young man, it's time for school."

"But I want to see Dad..."

"After school - he'll still be here - " she looked at him for confirmation and he nodded "- I promise."

Billy's feet touched the floor, "Will you take me for another drive in your car?"

"Anything you want to do, we'll do - but first you gotta go to school."

"Okay," came the reluctant acceptance that his parents would win this one.

He watched the bus pull away and walked over to the breakfast bar where his ex-wife was making coffee.

"I appreciate this."

She shrugged - "You sounded upset on the phone - I do still care about you Sonny, " she touched his hand, "never think I don't." He smiled; and she could see a sadness in that smile. "What is it, what happened to you?"

He took a deep breath and started to fidget. In Miami, this had seemed like a good idea - Caroline had never judged him. But now it was different - now he was actually here, staring into those kind blue eyes and unsure if he could drag her into the nightmare that his emotions had concocted. He really just wanted someone to make the memories of the pain and the shame go away: it wasn't so much what they'd made Rico do to him, more that they'd watched it happen, more that his dignity and self-esteem had taken a severe blow, and that hurt.

And then there was the other thing; his feelings for Rico, his growing need for the man he already loved. He'd thought about that a lot and he'd reached the conclusion that it wasn't the fact that he desired a guy that was nagging at him: when he thought about that aspect of it, it didn't seem to matter that Rico was male. What was disturbing him were the possible consequences of starting anything with his partner. They had to work together in harmony; what if they started something and it went wrong? He knew enough about relationships to know that it would affect their working partnership - even if they didn't mean it to, or didn't want it to. And they worked so well together.... they were good together and despite everything he believed that as lovers they'd be good together too... 'as lovers'... it was the first time he'd linked the two of them with that phrase: it made him feel warm - like he was glowing. Needlessly embarrassed he broke out of his revere, lifting his eyes to meet Caroline's. "Sorry, I was miles away."

"It's okay."

She handed him a mug of coffee and sat down opposite him, her elbows and arms rested on the bar. "You've changed."

Sonny was surprised, "Really? How?"

"I don't know.. it's hard to pick up on one thing, but there's something different about you, about the way you are."

Suddenly he wanted to tell her. The warm glow disappeared, the smile left his lips and in an instant he felt the miserable desperate feelings returning. She saw the change in his features and reached out for his hands; he had to resist the urge to pull away.

"Please talk to me."

"It's hard..." He swallowed the tears be knew needed to be cried.

She lifted a hand to his cheek, ran her fingers through the hair at the side of his face. He looked into those deeply concerned eyes and began to cry. "I'm sorry..."

"No, don't be sorry, let it out. Tell me what happened."

"We were working undercover. The guy we were after must have been tipped off that we were cops... He.... he raped me...." Somehow he'd found the strength to tell her, but it was all the strength he had. He collapsed forward, his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking as he sobbed. Without taking her hands from him, Caroline stood and moved round the bar until she could pull him to lean against her, wrapping him in comfort and warmth.

It took a long time for his tears to stop, but when they did, he felt drained and exhausted; but relieved. It felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Caroline handed him a hanky, keeping an arm wrapped around him. Sonny let out a deep breath, and for the first time in a long time he laughed, "I really needed that." He looked at her, "Thanks."

"S'okay Sonny. Anytime." After a while she put some more coffee on; "Are you back at work?"

"Yeah. I couldn't just sit around."

"And Rico?"

"We're working together, Castillo won't separate us at the moment - he's strange like that."

"It's very sensible of him. If only the two of you know what went on that night, there's no one else who would know how to handle a.. situation if one arose."

He smiled; a bright, thankful smile; "What would I ever do without you?"

This time it was her turn to laugh. ***

He arrived back in Miami refreshed, even after the day-long drive. When he arrived back at the boat he called Rico's number - he was still at work. The answer phone asked for a message. "Rico, it's Sonny. I thought, maybe we could have dinner. If you're interested, come over sometime tonight." For some reason, when he hung up, he felt a cold rush of excitement wash over him.

The drive finally caught up with him, and lying down in the cabin he slept well for the first time in over a fortnight.

The ocean was alight with the sunset when Rico stepped aboard the St.Vitus. "Sonny?" The hatch was open and he quietly padded down the wooden steps. "Sonny?"

He caught the sound of a low snoring and moved into the doorway of the cabin. Sonny was stretched out, fully clothed, fast asleep. His blond hair had fallen across his face and he looked peaceful - at last he looked as if he may be healing. Grinning, Rico went back up on deck and started the barbecue, leaving the bottle he'd bought on top of the galley. As he put it down, he looked at it - he didn't know what had made him bring that; this wasn't a dinner date, it was an evening with his partner. Maybe. He threw his jacket onto one of the chairs and started to hunt for the matches.

Sonny was woken by the footsteps on the deck. The new digital alarm clock told him that it was just gone eight. He quickly showered and changed, climbing out of the galley to the smell of cooking fish. "Hi."

"Hi. You looked very comfortable. I thought I'd start dinner."

"I'm very impressed - I've taught you well." The buddy-buddy banter was back. Rico had missed that. "Do I take it that seeing Billy helped."

Sonny wondered across to where Rico was cooking up a mean dinner. "Seeing Billy, talking to Caroline, it all worked. Thanks for covering for me at work."

"That's cool."

He noted the wine in the cooler, and pointed a slim finger across; "From you?"

"Yeah, I thought it might make a change to your flat foreign beer - add a bit of class to the evening." He smiled: he'd had half an hour to come up with that excuse.

"I'd better get some glasses."

Dinner was relaxed: Rico and Sweitek had spent the day watching Antonio's door - this time he'd walked through it with the evidence they needed to bust him.

"You mean I'm never gonna see that pretty little green doorway again?"

"'Fraid not partner."

Sonny gave it his best down-trodden expression.

The wine went down very nicely, the food was perfect, the night was warm. The conversation flowed; from work to dreams, to their younger days. The moon was high when, unable to stop himself, Sonny yawned.

"Hey man, you gotta get some sleep, tomorrow is another day, and another door."

Sonny groaned, "Maybe if I tell Castillo I'm okay he'll let us do something besides watch doors."

They both stood.

"Thanks Sonny."

"Thank you, you cooked."

They walked over until they were both standing on the boards of the pier. For a moment Rico felt like a teenager at the end of a first date, unsure about what to do next. He should walk away now - that would be the end of the evening, and the next day they'd be back at work. In the day light everything was so clearly defined. At night, with the sound of the water against the boats, with the moonlight playing in Sonny's soft blond hair - definitions were hazy. Their eyes locked and held.

In a quiet voice, Sonny heard Rico whisper his name, his tone laden with uncertainty. Sonny swallowed hard, leaning in, he hesitantly touched his lips to Rico's. A moment, then Rico gently responded. Standing together, only their lips touching, the moment seemed to hang in the air. When they parted, there was an unreadable smile on Sonny's face.

"Goodnight Rico."

Rico reflected Sonny's expression, "Goodnight."

**************** END PART TWO *****************