In The Company Of Shadows - 2004 Re-write
by elfin

set after 'Z'Ha'Dum'

Seated just at the edge of the sill, John looked out of the observation window, eyes searching the much-missed view of the stars.

From several feet behind him Susan watched her captain.

She knew well the physical state he was in - the wounds that covered his body under dressings now hidden by the sweater and soft dark trousers he wore. But she could only guess at his mental state.  No one had yet been able to break through the barriers he'd erected to protect himself.

Stephen had warned both her and Garibaldi that John had been beaten, starved and raped during his week-long ordeal in the company of Morden and the Shadows.  He'd pointed out that it would take considerable time for him to heal and that without an official counsellor on board, they would have to watch him and help him as much as they could.

But that had proven to be harder than keeping him in medlab.  He'd kept away from them all, not allowing anyone close.

Susan ached for him, everything he'd been through up to his disappearance had been a nightmare, but what had come after had been hell itself.  Her rage had been slowly blossoming since his return.  She was being forced to watch a dear friend suffer because of what others had made him.  The price of their victory had been too high.

She could see his shoulders shaking, knew he was crying silently and that if they didn't offer their help he wouldn't ask for it.  Making a decision, she approached him silently.

Once at his side she could see his face wet with tears.  His once bright, sapphire eyes were now grey. 

Feeling like crying a little herself, she reached to slide one arm around his shoulders, bringing him to her.

She never expected the reaction she got and she had to suppress a cry of surprise when it happened.  He started to fight.  His weeping turned to cries of fear and pain and he tried to pull away from her.  She'd have been far too strong had she wanted to hold on but knowing she was hurting him more shocked her to her core and she let him go. 

Stunned, she stared at him as he pressed back into the bulkhead, staring at her with wild eyes.  And suddenly she realised he didn't know who she was.  He didn't know she wasn't about to hurt him.  He was imagining he was still held captive.  Did every shadow bring with it this terrible fear?

"John, it's alright, I'm not going to hurt you."

But her words had no effect.  He stayed where he was, arms wrapped around himself, body trembling.  His eyes moved back and forth between her and the open space behind her, like he was seeing some godawful sight that wasn't there.

Operating her link she called Garibaldi.

Michael took in the scene in a glance and motioned Susan away with his eyes.  Then he took a deep breath and strolled forward, hands behind his back, whistling softly, looking out of the window and not at John.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" he asked out loud.  "Sure makes you think, standing here under the stars."

Only then did he look down and he was relieved to see the hint of a smile on John's lips.

John's head remained lowered, but he lifted his eyes, meeting Stephen's with deep pools of misery and terror.

She saw him enter the anti-chamber on Z'Ha'Dum, Anna at his shoulder until she'd left his side to join Morden and the older man.

She heard them talk, although the words were muffled like on a bad recording.

She could feel John's sorrow, his fear for his station, his friends and all those innocents trapped on Babylon 5 because of his actions.  She sensed his growing despair as it threatened to overwhelm him and the guilt spreading through his mind.

She saw the Shadows behind him start to move, to close in.  She shouted, knowing she could not possibly change what had happened but instinctively trying.  When Morden hit him with the butt of his own PPG, she yelled his name.

"Please, Susan, do not watch anymore. I will tell you what you need to know."

"No Draal," her voice sounded distant, "I have to know what happened, then I can help him."

The room that John was thrown bodily into was dark and damp - she could feel it all around her.  He remained unconscious on the floor until the door opened again and Morden stood in the light.

Behind him two Shadows appeared restless, kept back only by Morden's silent command. 

She flinched when he kicked Sheridan in the stomach. 

He opened his eyes and pulled himself up to sit heavily against the stone bench lining the back wall of his cell.  

He started to speak but Morden interrupted him.  She couldn't catch his words but she heard his tone, the threat of violence unless he complied.  John would never comply and so what followed was inevitable.

She was sickened by what happened next.  She saw what Sheridan hadn't - Morden stepping into the room and watching as the two creatures attacked their helpless victim.  John fought them but in the end he didn't stand a chance.  They pinned him down with the deadly spears of their legs through his arms and legs, tearing at his clothes, cutting him deeply in their carelessness.

That rape of his skin was terrible enough, but the rape of his body, the agonizing stabbing at his opening was much, much worse. 

"Enough!" 

At Draal's command the machine stopped the replay.  Susan stumbled forward and Draal caught her.  She clung to him, tears flowing freely over her cheeks.

"That wasn't all, was it?" she asked him, voice hard through her sobs.  "They did it again, and again.  I could... feel it, feel them thinking it."  Her voice shook with repulsion.  "And Morden!  He... watched.  He enjoyed it!"

"When Garibaldi found him," Draal explained quietly, "he begged to die on Z'Ha'Dum with the Shadows, as Kosh had promised him.  But Garibaldi refused to let him go.  I do know... if that was the best decision."

~ ~ ~

Susan found Michael asleep on John's couch.

She watched him for a moment before moving quietly through to the bedroom.

John had kicked the duvet off during the night and very carefully she lifted it back over him.   Then she sat down on the carpet and pulled her knees up under her chin, watching him sleep.  She hoped everything on Z'Ha'Dum was dead.  She knew John had gone there to die himself but had suffered so much worse a fate.  They were alive because of his actions.  And he was alive because of Michael's.  She wondered if he thanked Garibaldi for it, or hated him for it.

After a time she heard a noise from the other room and saw Garibaldi appear in the doorway. Keeping his voice to a whisper he asked,

"What did you see?"

Rising, she returned to the living area, closing the bedroom doors behind her.  Leading him to the sofa, she answered his question with one of her own.  

"What did you see, when you found him?"

"He was in a cell, lying on the floor.  And he looked at me...."  He shook his head at the memory.  "I'll never forget the look in his eyes. Like he'd expected to see his worst nightmare and instead he was seeing God."

//"Please Michael, leave me here.. I don't want to go back."

"I'm not leaving you John, I can't."

"I can't face it.. I don't want to go back... Let me die here with Anna, please. I've done what I came here to do, let me die."

"No, no way. I couldn't save Jeff, but I'm sure as hell gonna save you." //

If he'd known would he have been able to leave him...?  But it didn't matter.  He'd saved John and now they had to get him through this.

They heard a shout from the bedroom and Susan rose, leaving Garibaldi sitting, trying to accept every suspicion that Susan had confirmed.

Susan stepped into the bedroom in time to see John wake from his nightmare.  She sat on the edge of the bed, giving him space to compose himself.

"You okay?" 

"Yeah.." He smiled wearily and sat up carefully, his injuries protesting.  "Susan... I'm sorry about before....  Was that yesterday or earlier today?  Sometimes I just can't believe I made it back here alive."

"It was earlier today and don't apologise.  Stephen thinks... it would do you good to talk.  We don't have a councillor on board but if you want to talk to me or him or Michael, or even someone not involved - Dr Robins would happily listen."

John looked at her for a long time and she could see him working out which route would be the least painful.  

"I know there are things I need to talk about.  I'll give it some thought, I promise."

"Good.  Michael's in the living room.  I'm going to check in with C&C. Everything's so quiet around here, it's almost deafening.  Sleep well, John."

She left him alone and he shifted position, trying to find some way of lying so that it didn't hurt. 

Michael was at the doorway as soon as Susan had gone.  He watched his friend trying to get comfortable, a multitude of emotions coursing through him as he tried not to think about what they'd done to this man.

"Why don't you let me?"

John looked at him questioningly. Michael said nothing but moved around the bed and sat up next to John.  He leaned back against the headboard, keeping one arm on the mattress, offering the other as a starting point.  John settled into the crook of that arm, his back pressed against Michael.

"Is that okay?"

John sighed softly and closed his eyes.  "Yeah, that's great. Thanks."

It was only a few scant minutes before John was sleeping soundly, testament to how exhausted his was.  His soft snores tickled the hair on Michael's arm and he ignored the sensation, closing his own eyes and trying to find some rest.

~ ~ ~

"Before you say anything, I have to tell you that I know.. we know what happened to you on Z'Ha'Dum."  Michael shifted on the sofa, reaching his arm along the back toward where John sat in the opposite corner.  "Stephen told us what he'd found during his examination. He thought it was something we should know - to help us take care of you."

John nodded.  "I know.  I mean... the evidence had to be there, right?  I know what they did to me, I know the injuries Stephen found.  I... I wasn't strong enough to fight them."

"I thought I was going to die out there.  I'd planned to, just not like that.  But for most of the time I wanted to die.  I thought, after I realized that Anna was gone, there was nothing they could do to hurt me anymore.  But I was so wrong...."

Michael couldn't watch John fall apart and not do something.  Dropping his arm from the back of the sofa, he reached for his friend's hand and was relieved when it was taken.

John squeezed his hand gently.  "Are you still pleased to see me alive?"

Catching his breath, Michael stared.  He hadn't ever imagined John would actually want him.  His fantasies had been just that, possibilities that had given him ideas to masturbate to.  But John was leaning forward, watching him, trying to read him.  Waiting.  Who was he to turn this man down?

Closing the gap between them, Michael touched his lips to John's as he had done in the cell.  But this time, John's mouth opened under his and John's tongue swept over his own.

Garibaldi felt his body react to the long-awaited contact and gently broke it.

"You've been through so much, I just want to help you. We all want you back."

"Michael, I can't just forget, but I can't dwell on what happened. As soon as Stephen says I'm okay I'm going to reclaim my command. I want to go back to how it was before.. before Z'Ha'Dum."

"John...."

"I'm not pretending it didn't happen, I'm not pretending I don't have nightmares, that I don't wake up screaming, feeling those things all over me.  But I have to get through it and I need help.  Please."

Michael let out a deep breath and moved to the centre cushion, wrapping both arms around his friend.  He felt John leaning into him, watched the captain rest his head against the back of the sofa and tilt his face up to Michael's.  The kiss was irresistible.

"It was just a dream.  Like the others, not real.  You're safe, you're here."

It took a long time for John to calm, and when he did, the words came tumbling out.

"It was Morden..." he began uncertainly.  "I thought I'd be okay until Morden.  He always watched and I'd just didn't think about him.  But one time he waited until they'd finished with me then used the mess they'd made of me... to fuck me.  Afterwards... I could feel it... on my thighs, on my legs....  There was no way to clean it up.  All I could smell was him... all over me.  It made me sick."

Michael held on, wishing he'd killed Morden personally before they'd nuked the planet to hell.  He hoped the evil bastard had suffered, hoped the radiation, rather than the initial explosion, had taken its time to kill him.

"Some time after he raped me, Morden brought me a glass of water. I don't think they wanted me to die. I smashed the glass on the stone... I tried to slit my wrists... Morden must have seen it on a monitor because he came back and stopped me...."  He looked up at Michael, something other than misery in his eyes.  "I'm glad he did.  I'm glad you came for me."

Michael couldn't stop the tears gathering in his eyes.

"I will always find you, John.  I love you."

Then John smiled and it was the most wonderful sight Michael had ever seen because it almost touched his eyes.

"Me?"

Michael grinned despite his weeping.  "Yes, you!  I know I should have told you a long time ago but everything was always so crazy."

"I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything.  Just know it's true."

Marcus had brought one of his associates in from down-below, suspecting the hacking cough was more than a simple virus.  He was sitting waiting for a diagnosis when he heard the commotion from the examination room.

Opening the door he saw Michael yelling, Stephen shouting and the captain attempting to press himself through the wall.  Of the three people in the room, it wasn't difficult to see who was in the most danger.

He grabbed John's clothes from a chair and crossed to kneel next to him, helping him on with the grey sweater before turning to the other two.

Stephen and Michael froze at the order and stared at him, only just realised what they were doing.

Marcus turned his attention back to Sheridan.  "Captain."

That one word had the desired effect; blue eyes focused on him and John pulled his dignity back around him.  He stood shakily with Marcus' help and stepped into his trousers.  The ranger waited until he was fully dressed before asking,

"Captain, are you alright?"

He turned to Stephen.  "Is there something you need to do?"

"He's bleeding internally....  I need to get a re-gen pack in there to help it heal."

"'In there' meaning in his ass?"

Stephen nodded.

"Is it urgent?"

"Yes."

"Can it wait until tomorrow? Until someone has sat down with him, explained the procedure and allowed him to get used to the idea?"

Stephen hesitated; the bleeding wasn't continuous and it wasn't a massive amount, 24 hours wouldn't make that much difference. And he had to admit that explaining what he would do before he did it might have made John's reaction less... violent. Finally he nodded and Marcus said,

"Good."

Then he turned his attention to Michael,

"From what I've heard from Susan, all you've done recently is look after John. Go get some sleep, I'll take care of him for a few hours."

The only person Garibaldi would ever take orders from was John himself, but Marcus had a calm authority about him that made his commands clearly unavoidable.

Still, it took Stephen's professional advice added to that command for Michael to obey.

So John and Marcus spent the following few hours playing chess; with Marcus winning every game. He knew Sheridan was an accomplished chess player so it told him volumes about the man's state of mind.  

"We don't have to play, Captain, we can talk."

"No, please, this is a good distraction."

"Is that what taking back your command will be? A distraction?"

Sheridan shrugged, obviously not thinking before he replied,

"After what happened in Medlab I think it's going to be a while before Franklin allows me back to work."

"Stephen told me what happened. Your reaction is hardly surprising. What he'd be more worried about is what you're reaction would be to seeing a Shadow vessel come through the jumpgate."

Sheridan frowned, "I'd be fine.."

"Would you? I don't know exactly what they did to you, but I have ideas.  What would you do if one came through the jumpgate?  Or more?  What if Morden survived?"  He was instantly sorry he'd said it when he saw the horror in John's eyes.  But he'd made his point.  "Could you handle it?  Could you face him without killing him after what he did to Anna?  Could you?" 

When John spoke, there was a deadly anger in his voice.  "What he did to Anna?  What about me?  What about what he did to me?" 

Marcus knew he'd pushed too far; probed too deeply into a situation he suddenly realized he knew nothing about. Cautiously he tried to defuse it,

"I'm sorry, forgive me. I don't know what happened..."

"He raped me Marcus, and I don't know how to cope with it, I don't know how to live with myself knowing what I've done."

In a second Marcus took in John's words, but he knew this wasn't the time to come to terms with them himself; John desperately needed their help.

"Captain, rape is about power.  He wanted power over you so he took it.  You have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to blame yourself for."

John looked at Marcus with a tiny glimmer of hope. The Ranger saw it and pressed on into unknown territory.

"Are you having nightmares?"

"Yes...."

"They'll fade and pass - I know it doesn't seem like it now, but they will. Things will remind you, and the memories will always hurt, but you'll think about it less and less, and you will heal."  Tears started to mist John's eyes as he listened to the words he so wanted to believe.

"It's so clear when I dream..."

"It is now, of course it is, you're still in so much pain, the injuries remind you, everybody around you keeps reminding you by the way they're all treating you. They all love you, I know Michael worships you."  He lowered his voice slightly, "And I know when the time came, and Entil'Zha had to leave, most of all he regretted leaving you.  He knew you for one night and one day.  The people around here have known you much longer, the effect you have on people is lasting, and at the moment their feelings for you are raw emotion.  I know that must be overwhelming for you."

Staring at him, John whispered, "I'm so scared."

"That's reasonable, you went to Z'Ha'Dum alone, knowing you were very probably walking into a trap, spent your last hours of freedom in the company of shadows and strangers, kept in captivity for days and tortured.  It's hardly surprising that now you need people around you."

John smiled at him, and for the first time his smile actually touched his eyes.

The announce chime sounded and Sheridan automatically said,

"Come."

Garibaldi was standing there looking refreshed and happy.

"Michael," John stood and the chief noticed the change immediately. Marcus also stood, his work here was done, for the moment.  It was their time now. 

John touched his arm as he passed.  "Thank you, for what you said here and for what you did in medlab."

Marcus accepted the thanks with a smile,

"You take care of yourself, Captain. I'll see you soon."

The door closed, leaving the two of them alone.

"You look a lot better."

John nodded.  "You too."  He saw the small, brightly coloured bag that Michael was holding.

"And that is?"

"A gift.  I went for a walk around the marketplace.  You know, I've never really just been shopping there.  And I found these."  He started to walk around the room, stopping at shelves and flat areas to place things from the bag at various points in the room. 

"What are they?"

"The... female who sold me them said they kept bad dreams away."

When the bag was empty Michael stood at John's side.

"Computer, lights off."  They were plunged into darkness.

Michael felt his friend's hand on his arm, suddenly frightened.

"It's all right John."  Gently, guiding them both, Michael covered John's mouth and kissed him.

Suddenly there was a burst of light.  Where Michael had placed the 'somethings' from the bag, there was a bright flame and the room was bathed in an amber glow.

John took in the wondrous sight, approaching one to see it close up.  They were candles, and in the very centre of the flame, just above the wick, he could make out all the colours of the rainbow burning there. Michael moved to stand behind him,

"You like them?"

"They're beautiful."

There was a moment's silence before he said,

"John, I'm sorry about what happened in medlab."

"Me too.  Is Stephen okay?"

"Yeah, I think you gave him a shock.  But he does need to see you again."

"I know.  Tomorrow.  And I want you to be with me."

"Of course."

Gently, Michael wrapped his arms around John's waist and held him close as they just watched the candle in front of them.

After a time, John covered Michael's hands with his own and relaxed into the embrace.  Morden's violation of him had been total and like those around him, he had wondered if he would ever be whole again.  But the way he felt now, he thought that was at least possible.

"I know what they did to me Michael, I know what state my body's in.  I've had a lot of sympathy.  But what I need now is to rebuild myself.  And I need you to help me do that."

"I will.  You have my word.  In time, we'll take everything the universe has to offer just for ourselves."  He kissed the nape of John's neck, nibbling a little on the short hairs there.  He swore he could sense John's smile.  "But we start slow.  We start... with cuddling."

Dropping his head back to Michael's shoulder, John gave him better access to his throat and Michael accepted the offer.  He licked and kissed the warm skin gently, raising one hand to place it over John's rapidly beating heart.

"Liar."

fin
elfin