Across The Line (Bringing Daniel Back)
by Travelling One
PART ONE
"Beer, Daniel?" Jack asked half-heartedly as he crossed the threshold
to his living room. Setting the bottles down on his coffee table, he
sunk down into his favourite armchair, opening one himself. "You know,
I've been meaning to show you those photos you asked about, the ones
from the `60's in Chicago. You wouldn't believe how cool I looked with
long hair. Longer than yours used to be. You know, you reminded me a
bit of myself when I first met you, myself in high school, I mean." He
paused. "But I'd really like to show those to you. We kept putting it
off every time you've come, and after you left last time I finally
found them?" His voice trailed off; the time was getting late, they
should be ordering out by now. "Pizza tonight, Daniel, or burgers?"
But Daniel didn't answer.
"You know, you're welcome to stay tonight." Still silence.
Jack leaned forward, resting his head in his hands.
No, there would be silence tonight. Daniel wasn't here, never would be
again.
He shook his head, nearly imperceptibly. This time, this time...
His friend had crossed the line. Crossed it for real, that line
separating heroism from foolhardiness, bravery from suicide. And he'd
lost, knowingly. Premeditated. Crossed the line from life to ...
afterlife.
"So, Daniel...tell me more about the Kolonian people, their technology
and all."
"You know, for once I'd really like to hear about it. Long version this
time, too. Go ahead, talk all you want. I'm listening."
Listening to the silence. No, that was unacceptable. That just wasn't
going to happen, Daniel dying. He was too important, too...important.
Too many silent tears were escaping tonight, tears no one else would
ever see nor would Jack ever admit to. At the compound, he was Colonel
O'Neill, two l's, CO of the premier field team of Earth's most well-
kept secret, and he was strong. In command, professional. At home
though, he was Jack, and he could fucking well mourn for a friend if he
needed to.
"God, Daniel, it's late. Drink your beer."
_______________
The room was still swathed in blackness when Jack abruptly awoke, and,
opening a tired eye a crack, he noted that his clock read 4:22am. A
sick feeling welled up inside him, and the realization hit forcefully
that Daniel?
No.
Oh god, no.
Daniel was
Jack shut his eyes tight. He couldn't even think of it. Remembering was
too painful. Every night, same thing, his dreams of missions kept
including Daniel. Then every morning he'd awaken...
This was his day off, good thing, because he had no more strength to
keep up his show of indifference. Couldn't go in again today and
pretend that he was okay.
_______________
He poured two cups of coffee, just as he'd done at the SGC ever since
Daniel had?
"Drink, Daniel. I'll make breakfast soon. " Jack pulled up his chair
along with the morning paper. It wasn't as though Daniel had been
living with him or anything, he hadn't really been over that much at
all. Had only stayed the night about six times since they'd met. But
being together nearly every day on planets thousands of light years
from Earth, camping out, risking lives, fear, hatred, love, dread,
honesty, anger, tears, empathy, kindness... all that kind of forges a
bond, a foundation, which, when shattered tragically, finds a way to
spring forth with some mechanism of coping. Jack needed to believe that
his friend had found his home a comfortable, happy place to visit.
"Yeah," he muttered, "my home is your home."
And the vision of Daniel's last visit, he'd stayed longer than Sam and
Teal'c, kept returning. Daniel had sat at that very spot at the table
now occupied by a cup of cooling coffee waiting to be drunk by a
missing comrade. And Jack could see him there. The friendly argument
about whether those pets on 812 should have been left in the wild, and
they'd ended up making exhaustion-induced jokes and laughing till the
tears flowed. Yep, that's how he wanted to remember Daniel.
He could still see Daniel on the sofa, watching out the window in
wonderment as the jays cracked sunflower seeds between their claws.
Daniel was in his kitchen, insisting he could make macaroni and cheese
to outdo Betty Crocker's. And he had, even though Jack would've settled
for it outdoing MREs. He could still see Daniel at the counter,
chopping the cheese.
Daniel was even on Jack's roof, gazing through the telescope, learning
the names of the constellations as quickly as Jack could point them
out. He was a bright one, that boy. Clever. Brilliant.
And the world had lost him, without even knowing what it was they had
lost. Or why. Daniel's damn suicidal martyrdom was fucking classified.
No. Jack could barely go anywhere in his home without seeing Daniel.
The spare room, the garden. Even at the telephone. His ghostly presence
was welcome, but the memories weren't. They made it damn hard to get on
with one's life.
________________
"So, Daniel, want a sandwich?" Jack made two anyway, knowing full well
that Daniel would just leave it on his plate again, and he'd have to
throw it out. No, knowing damn well Daniel was...
Dead.
Jack sat back in his favourite armchair, eyes closed, head resting
against a pillow. Let Daniel have the sofa.
No, get a grip. Let Daniel go.
________________
_____Daniel______
Light was everywhere, light was life. It was sound, emotion, feelings;
hunger, friendship, love. Light permeated every cell of every living
thing in this dimension, and Daniel was forcing himself to expand into
it.
Forcing himself, whereas he should be eagerly welcoming the novelty,
the exploration, the adventure. After all, how many people on Earth
could actually say they've been to the afterlife, paradise,Valhalla,
Eden, Nirvana, and? survived? Unless, of course, this was death, and
he'd managed to find it too soon. A thin line, between life and death.
Light beings floating behind and above him, mesmerizing what was left
of his human senses, senses that were becoming duplicated, exaggerated,
filling every human cell of his transforming human body. There was
knowledge within that he never could have dreamed of, and the extent to
which it filled his soul was overwhelming for a simple human who had
wanted only some sort of life change, a different path to follow.
Fancy that, going through an approaching early mid-life crisis and
finding yourself in a place where all questions are answered, in time,
where there is no need for curiosity, for all will be revealed to
ensure one's spiritual growth?no need for curiosity, that driving force
in Daniel's previous life, the force that had made life...worth living.
Yes, this should all be very fascinating. Should be exhilarating,
miraculous.
Except that Daniel knew he'd been forced into this before he was ready.
And while he knew he ought to be thinking of his spiritual development,
of accepting guidance from these beings of pureness and vitality, of
how to be one with the quest, the truth, the love?
Yes, while he knew he ought to be thinking of all those things that
would lead him to ascension for eternity, instead he kept thinking
about...beer.
And he didn't even like beer.
_____________
Jack had been back at work for weeks now, making as if life could pick
up and go on as usual. The fact was, Sam had been moping the entire
time, saying barely a word to anyone, locked away in her lab where he
had walked in on her one day to find her crying. Teal'c had been doing
a hell of a lot of kel'no'reeming lately, and was otherwise his usual
compliant self, albeit much quieter than ever, as much as that was
possible. And he? He was considering retirement.
Sure, he'd seen comrades taken before his eyes, and it had always hurt.
Always. Even knowing he had to keep a distance, the moments he had seen
it happen, and for many nights alone afterwards, he couldn't get their
faces out of his mind. And he had always picked up and moved on, just
like a good soldier should.
Yet being good at what he did couldn't block out this latest loss,
couldn't accept it, justify it, or forget it. This one was Daniel, and
years of working side by side with a man with whom he had developed the
kind of bond in which each would give up his life for the other,
mission after deadly mission that threatened to take a teammate's life
each time they left home, kind of got into every living cell of tissue,
muscle, blood. To put it simply, Daniel was the closest friend he'd
had in what amounted to a lifetime, and he missed him fiercely.
Jack saw Daniel every time he walked past that office, the workroom
Daniel used to practically live in, his light remaining on in welcome
till all hours of the night or early morning. Jack couldn't pass that
doorway any more. Wouldn't even get off on that floor, if he didn't
have to.
Jack saw Daniel in the commissary, playing with his waffles and
drinking bad coffee. It was hard trying to avoid that place, though,
even when he brought his own sandwiches from home. That couldn't
always work, and ordering in to the SGC was not an option being
sanctioned by General Hammond.
Jack saw Daniel on the ramp to the Stargate, biting his lip and looking
like he was a thousand light years away before he even left home.
Jack saw Daniel every time he woke Jonas for second watch.
The memories of Daniel were everywhere, and Jack's mind wouldn't let
them rest.
So, Jack was considering retirement, again, only this time?this time,
it would definitely be permanent. So much had happened since that night
when he was first summoned back to the SGC, back to the Stargate
program. One fateful night...if the Goa'uld had never decided to try
Earth's coordinates one more time... Jack would never have come out of
retirement the first time, and Daniel would still be living on Abydos.
Instead of dead.
So instead of writing the mission report, Jack was staring at a three-
quarters finished draft of his resignation. A draft that, for some
reason, he couldn't bring himself to complete.
Taking the last sip from his coffee mug, he rose to pour another. Two;
if he didn't get one for Daniel , the man might think he was being
forgotten.
_______________
_____Daniel_____
Training, although it wasn't training, in the pure sense of the word.
Learning to be one of them, it was a matter of relaxing, concentrating,
and letting knowledge flow freely into one's mind. But Daniel would
find his mind wandering, and would fight to bring it back on track.
Frustrated, he had never been such a poor student.
It had all been overwhelming at first. Daniel had arrived feeling like
a small, lost, insignificant particle caught up in a sweeping worldwind
of time and timelessness. Friends' faces appeared and disappeared;
part of his training was to learn to forget and give up his past life.
Then it had become easier, slightly. The mind could do outrageously
wonderful and beautiful things, and he was a part of it. Small
miracles, by the standards of the merely human life he had grown up
knowing, wonders that went far beyond explanation, wonders that he
wished desperately to be able to share with Sam...
Sam. Jack. His training wasn't going nearly as well as he knew it
should. Yet the unearthly instructors were patient, understanding. Of
course they were. But when all the parlour tricks had been tried and
done, Daniel realized that he was, well, bored.
He wanted a challenge, yes, but a challenge of finding things out for
himself, of solving Earth's riddles by putting the pieces together. His
mind kept returning to the Stargate. The Goa'uld. Sam, lovely Sam.
Jack. Yes, how was Jack doing now, without him?
Daniel practiced his lessons, watched the rhythm of harmony and light
around him, all the while knowing his heart wasn't in it, he needed
even more than this, ungrateful human as he was. But how could he think
of light and love and truth, when all he could think of, for some
reason, was...coffee?
_______________
'The Skies of March', by Julian Edwards. Jack fingered the book, a
fictionalized account of the ancient astronomers of Peru. A gift from
Daniel, to symbolize the bond between the ancient cultures of his own
intellectual world, and Jack's love of the night sky. A birthday gift
given with thought and sincerity. It had lain unopened for nearly a
year, but now, reading into the fourth chapter, Jack couldn't
understand why. This book was good, and he'd never even be able to
tell Daniel.
_______________
_____Daniel_____
Can one be kicked out of heaven? Or whatever this place actually was,
the dimension of utmost purity? Daniel wasn't sure, although he knew
he owed these beings for saving his life, for giving him back a
semblance of the structural body he had had, with no visible injuries.
Yes, he could see his body when he wished to. Curing him had been a
simple process; all it had taken was a group of beings surrounding him
with light, with love. All it took was belief. How could he justify
letting them down like this? And what would happen to him if he did?
While he didn't want to find out, didn't want to fail, wanted to learn
all the secrets of mankind and the universe and beyond, he was
realizing it was more intriguing to discover answers by himself, over
time, using his thought processes and deductive skills, than to be an
all-knowing being. For some reason, he was starting to miss his
friends on Earth, the jokes, the pizza, the all-night think sessions
with Sam, nights on Jack's roof. Come on, he'd passed all that, didn't
need it any longer. That's what he'd been led to believe, anyway.
That was what he'd hoped for. Getting on with his life.
So why did he keep wishing he could discuss 'The Skies of March' with
Jack? For goodness' sake, as far as he knew, the man had tossed the
book onto a shelf where it was still accumulating dust bunnies. 'Too
bad, Jack, you would've liked that one.'
_______________
Jack was completely immersed in the eleventh chapter now. Truth was, he
couldn't put the book down. All his spare moments, though few and far
between, had been devoted to holding, reading, savoring this historical
novel. Not only because it had been given to him by Daniel, but because
the protagonist *was* Daniel. Driven by curiosity, an intelligent
astronomer who went against the ways of his people, people who
preferred religion and ceremony, illusions and magic, to the scientific
theories of the radical astronomers. This character reminded Jack so
much of Daniel, he was allowing his friend to come alive in the pages
while he read. It was therapy, only Jack was afraid to allow the story
to end.
_______________
_____Daniel_____
This wasn't just a passing thought. It was an obsession. Couldn't get
'The Skies of March' out of his mind. For many a training session, or
whatever he could use to count the passage of time in this place, it
was all he had thought about. Somehow, he had to convince Jack to read
it.
What was he thinking? He had no communication with his former? family.
He couldn't convince Jack to do anything.
Family. That word was foreign to his mind, now. Yet just thinking it,
remembering it, brought a sense of agonizing loss. Nostalgia. Funny, he
hadn't felt anything remotely negative in the time he'd been here,
however long that was. A week, a month, a year?there was no sense of
time. Now, that word...family...family... he knew he was not radiating
pure white light, but a sadness of blues. Here, there were guardians.
Instructors, teachers, kindness. But no real family. No one to tell
him he was special, and, more importantly, no one who needed *him*.
He didn't know why Jack needed to read 'The Skies of March', just knew
he had to. Unless...unless...he was reading it already?
If only he could see Jack. Somewhere. But the only place Daniel knew he
could go, was Kheb. Hey, Jack, you wouldn't be planning a mission to
Kheb any time soon, would you?
_______________
Jack wiped at his eyes. Damn, it was only a book. Yeah, right. So
the astronomer was persecuted for his beliefs, which later turned out
to be correct, by the way, but never retracted his convictions. How
many times had this story been rewritten over time? Seems every age had
their share of martyrs.
Anyway, he wasn't crying for a character in a book. The tears were for
Daniel, so there.
God, he missed him.
While the man's presence seemed to linger through every room in his
house, every area worth anything at the compound, Jack needed to be
somewhere closer. Closer to Daniel, just for a day. An hour, he'd
even settle for an hour. Crap, why couldn't he let the man go?
Because the foundations of friendship still reached ten miles
underground. Jack needed to reach out for that once more, one last
time and then?then maybe he could let Daniel go.
He needed to be somewhere Daniel was connected to. He needed to be
somewhere?like Kheb?
PART TWO
Why Hammond had okayed this mission, Jack had no idea. Kheb?what were
they going to find? What were they looking for?
Jack had trusted Daniel to find a harcesis child that no one but Daniel
really believed existed, and Hammond had not vetoed the missions. Now,
the general was allowing personal use of the Stargate ? which, to Jack,
amounted to the same thing ? in order to seek out something that Jack
couldn't place his finger on. But Hammond had understood. Jack just
needed to go to Kheb.
Now, walking towards that distant monastery, he had his slight
misgivings. Only, however, because the magnetic feelings kept growing
stronger with each forward step. He knew he was doing the right thing.
Sam had been more hesitant, cautious. Jack was worried about her,
taking this trek into such personal woods. She and Teal'c hadn't, after
all, been the ones talking to Daniel all these weeks. As far as he
knew.
The whole way there, the trio remained in silence. Jack had not
thought Jonas should come along on this one.
The monastery loomed up ahead, and Jack's nerves recoiled. There was
mystery here, but also death. And life. And if he didn't find what he
was looking for, whatever that may be, he knew that retirement
resignation would be seeing the light of day. He'd just had to do this
first. This, he knew, was his final good-bye.
He saw Sam pale as they drew up to the door, and her hesitation caused
inside him a regret that she had volunteered to come along. Out of
what, loyalty? To him, or to Daniel? She was hurting, and he didn't
know what would make her feel better. "You can stay out here, Sam,"
O'Neill said quietly.
"No, Sir. I...I want to go in."
Teal'c and Sam followed Jack into the cool interior. Looking around,
there was emptiness. Empty of furniture, empty of warmth, both
spiritual and physical. Empty of hope, curiosity, strength. Empty of
Daniel.
Sam wandered the room slowly, stopping to gaze upon the inscriptions.
She turned her head to the floor, before anyone could see the dampness
on her face. Teal'c remained as a sentinel in the doorway.
Jack sat half-heartedly on the floor, preparing to say his good-byes.
He didn't know what he'd expected.
_______________
_____Daniel_____
Whiteness. Transporting him to wherever he needed to be, on the wings
of thought. He'd learned that bit recently, about the power of his own
thoughts, a lesson that was controlled by the instructors, for one was
only given the power of thought when one's thoughts proved to be?pure
benevolence. Although it was unlikely that one would be in this place
at all, if their thoughts were much less in the first place. They'd
been correct; to come here, one must first free themselves of the
burdens of anger and hatred.
He'd been practicing this lesson above all others, recently?for Daniel
was being drawn, like a magnet, back to Kheb.
_______________
They all saw it, not one noticing first, all heads looked up, for it
seemed to come straight out of the ceiling...a cloud, a wispy
whiteness, and it grew more and more brilliant, until the light was
hovering just above the floor, and in its midst this brilliance started
to fade, slowly...
"Oma Desala?" Jack verbalized in hushed tones, wishing for, yet not
expecting, it to be something ? someone ? else .
They observed, eyes unmoving off the fading light, as gradually a form
began to take shape, to darken, to materialize, to gain substance.
Memories of a monk...had he been real? Or centuries old, sent for
seekers?
The moments stood still, the team's expressions mirroring one
another's, staring, unblinking...at the now nearly solid form of
Daniel, wrapped in flowing robes of golden peach.
"Oh god." Sam's whispered gasp caused Teal'c to turn towards her. She
looked faint, and he grasped her lower arm.
"D?Daniel?" Jack was struggling, again, to hold back his emotions.
The apparition was mouthing words, but there was silence. His lips were
moving, yet no sound came forth.
"We are unable to hear you, Daniel Jackson." Thank goodness Teal'c was
still in control of his voice, thought Jack.
A faint smile, and the vision closed its eyes. Remaining like that for
moments, seemingly in intense concentration, the form of Daniel fully
touched the floor, and became stronger. Eyes remaining closed,
becoming stronger still?and then Daniel was as solid as the rest of SG-
1.
"God that was hard," he smiled.
Sam's hand flew to her mouth, eyebrows lowered in tension, she really
really didn't want to cry...
"Is that you, Daniel Jackson?" Yes, thank goodness Teal'c was still in
control of his voice.
Daniel stared in disbelief. He'd?done it! Somehow, some way, he'd made
contact with his team. No, with his family. "It is, Teal'c," he
whispered. Feelings, that he hadn't had for a very long time now, and
they were nearly overwhelming.
"Are you?are you, uh, solid?" Jack found his voice.
Daniel looked down at himself. "I, um, I seem to be, Jack. I've never
done this before," he replied with that quick half-smile they all
remembered too well.
"Good. Then I can do this." Jack moved forward, tentatively placing
his hands on Daniel's shoulders. Feeling a solid human body beneath his
touch, he enclosed his...friend...in a thick embrace. If this was
good-bye, this time he would damn well make it worth it.
Daniel found himself being enclosed from all sides. Yes, this was what
he'd been missing ? people who could make him feel special, and most of
all, people who needed him.
It was a while before any of them were willing to pull away.
"Daniel?" Jack had one thing in particular he needed to say to his
friend. "Thank you for 'The Skies of March'."
Daniel's wide blue eyes held onto Jack for a long moment. So they *
had* made contact. "Thought you'd like it," he smiled.
"Daniel...you don't...can you..." Sam couldn't express what she wanted
to know. Didn't want to know what she thought she'd hear.
"Are you restricted to remaining on Kheb, Daniel Jackson?"
Yes, thought Sam. That was it.
"Um, I'm not sure, Teal'c."
"How...how are you doing, Daniel?" Jack bit his bottom lip.
"Good. Uh, not bad. They've taken care of me. Fixed me up," Daniel
grinned, indicating his body. "It's amazing out there, fascinating."
"Why'd you come here today?" Jack had to know what was going on.
Daniel considered his reply. "You called me."
"*You* called *me*."
"That too."
The three members of SG-1 silently observed their former friend, glad
beyond words to be able to speak with him, to see that he was alright;
laden with grief that they would have to leave him again. But if they
knew that they could see him sometimes, maybe?just maybe it wouldn't
hurt so much.
"Fascinating, huh? So?you like it...up there?" Jack tried a new
approach. He was getting at something, just didn't know quite how.
"I miss you guys like crazy."
That was it, what he needed to hear. Jack muttered this quickly. "Come
back with us."
Three figures caught their breath, wanting to hear this question,
wanting to hear the answer, not wanting to hear the answer. Not wanting
to be rejected.
Daniel closed his eyes, mentally exploring his semi-new body. He could
feel the light pulsating within. It was keepng a tight hold on his
concentration, this physical state of being. "I don't think I can."
"Try."
"I'm not sure that I know enough about this. I need to learn how to do
this properly, or even if it's poosible. I'm not sure if I?if I want
to." Even looking at their grief-stricken faces, beautiful desperate
faces, he couldn't forget the lure of the light...
"Oh." That was different.
"Permanently, I mean. Do you, um, think I'd be allowed to come for, um,
a visit?"
_______________
"Oma went through, so did you," Jack commented with optimism.
"As light entities, Jack."
"Sir, we don't know if Daniel will exit with his physical body or not,
but that's not the only thing we have to consider. He might just lose
himself in the wormhole if he transforms within it."
They neared the Stargate with extreme trepidation. Jack's wisecracks
had been accepted as his means of relief and releasing tension, his
sideways glances at Daniel and frequent grins giving away any secrets
he'd been intent on concealing. Carter never left Daniel's side, her
arm sneaking up to his every few moments. Even Teal'c could not seem
to keep his eyes off his old friend. Approaching the gate now, no one
knew the consequences of what the energy fields would bring.
Daniel's own hold on his current state was tenuous. He knew he hadn't
been there long enough to know what he was doing. Maybe it was too
soon. Maybe Oma would be angry...if she could get angry. Disappointed
in him? Maybe this was irresponsible. Maybe this wasn't even possible.
Why hadn't she told him, if he could someday go home?
"Daniel Jackson. You must now decide if this is worth the attempt."
Teal'c studied Daniel's face as the vortex splashed outwards. He had
frequently seen his young friend without his spectacles, but there was
something different about Daniel's features now?they were... softer,
gentler than they'd been in a long while, almost radiant. Perhaps he
should remain, as he seemed to be doing so well...
Throughout the journey to the gate, Daniel had pondered that same
question. Did he have the nerve to try this? At least, here with Oma
and her enlightened band of wisdom teachers, he was alive, accepted,
honoured, fulfilled. Fulfilled? He could still feel Sam touching his
arm, so very gently. The look in Jack's eyes the moment he'd
materialized, well, he couldn't forget that. Couldn't get enough of
that. That had been fulfilling, for a few moments. He needed to be
needed.
"I'm giving it a try, Teal'c. If it doesn't work, then I guess I'll
never know."
"And we'll have killed you again?" Jack lifted his eyebrows.
"My choice, Jack."
"And you'll have killed yourself again?" Holy freakin' donuts, was he
joking about this now? Maybe now was still too soon.
Daniel closed his eyes, feeling the light pulsating within him once
more. "Come on," he said, taking hold of Sam and Jack's arms. "Let's do
this."
_______________Across The Line (Bringing Daniel Back)
by Travelling One
PART ONE
"Beer, Daniel?" Jack asked half-heartedly as he crossed the threshold
to his living room. Setting the bottles down on his coffee table, he
sunk down into his favourite armchair, opening one himself. "You know,
I've been meaning to show you those photos you asked about, the ones
from the `60's in Chicago. You wouldn't believe how cool I looked with
long hair. Longer than yours used to be. You know, you reminded me a
bit of myself when I first met you, myself in high school, I mean." He
paused. "But I'd really like to show those to you. We kept putting it
off every time you've come, and after you left last time I finally
found them?" His voice trailed off; the time was getting late, they
should be ordering out by now. "Pizza tonight, Daniel, or burgers?"
But Daniel didn't answer.
"You know, you're welcome to stay tonight." Still silence.
Jack leaned forward, resting his head in his hands.
No, there would be silence tonight. Daniel wasn't here, never would be
again.
He shook his head, nearly imperceptibly. This time, this time...
His friend had crossed the line. Crossed it for real, that line
separating heroism from foolhardiness, bravery from suicide. And he'd
lost, knowingly. Premeditated. Crossed the line from life to ...
afterlife.
"So, Daniel...tell me more about the Kolonian people, their technology
and all."
"You know, for once I'd really like to hear about it. Long version this
time, too. Go ahead, talk all you want. I'm listening."
Listening to the silence. No, that was unacceptable. That just wasn't
going to happen, Daniel dying. He was too important, too...important.
Too many silent tears were escaping tonight, tears no one else would
ever see nor would Jack ever admit to. At the compound, he was Colonel
O'Neill, two l's, CO of the premier field team of Earth's most well-
kept secret, and he was strong. In command, professional. At home
though, he was Jack, and he could fucking well mourn for a friend if he
needed to.
"God, Daniel, it's late. Drink your beer."
_______________
The room was still swathed in blackness when Jack abruptly awoke, and,
opening a tired eye a crack, he noted that his clock read 4:22am. A
sick feeling welled up inside him, and the realization hit forcefully
that Daniel?
No.
Oh god, no.
Daniel was
Jack shut his eyes tight. He couldn't even think of it. Remembering was
too painful. Every night, same thing, his dreams of missions kept
including Daniel. Then every morning he'd awaken...
This was his day off, good thing, because he had no more strength to
keep up his show of indifference. Couldn't go in again today and
pretend that he was okay.
_______________
He poured two cups of coffee, just as he'd done at the SGC ever since
Daniel had?
"Drink, Daniel. I'll make breakfast soon. " Jack pulled up his chair
along with the morning paper. It wasn't as though Daniel had been
living with him or anything, he hadn't really been over that much at
all. Had only stayed the night about six times since they'd met. But
being together nearly every day on planets thousands of light years
from Earth, camping out, risking lives, fear, hatred, love, dread,
honesty, anger, tears, empathy, kindness... all that kind of forges a
bond, a foundation, which, when shattered tragically, finds a way to
spring forth with some mechanism of coping. Jack needed to believe that
his friend had found his home a comfortable, happy place to visit.
"Yeah," he muttered, "my home is your home."
And the vision of Daniel's last visit, he'd stayed longer than Sam and
Teal'c, kept returning. Daniel had sat at that very spot at the table
now occupied by a cup of cooling coffee waiting to be drunk by a
missing comrade. And Jack could see him there. The friendly argument
about whether those pets on 812 should have been left in the wild, and
they'd ended up making exhaustion-induced jokes and laughing till the
tears flowed. Yep, that's how he wanted to remember Daniel.
He could still see Daniel on the sofa, watching out the window in
wonderment as the jays cracked sunflower seeds between their claws.
Daniel was in his kitchen, insisting he could make macaroni and cheese
to outdo Betty Crocker's. And he had, even though Jack would've settled
for it outdoing MREs. He could still see Daniel at the counter,
chopping the cheese.
Daniel was even on Jack's roof, gazing through the telescope, learning
the names of the constellations as quickly as Jack could point them
out. He was a bright one, that boy. Clever. Brilliant.
And the world had lost him, without even knowing what it was they had
lost. Or why. Daniel's damn suicidal martyrdom was fucking classified.
No. Jack could barely go anywhere in his home without seeing Daniel.
The spare room, the garden. Even at the telephone. His ghostly presence
was welcome, but the memories weren't. They made it damn hard to get on
with one's life.
________________
"So, Daniel, want a sandwich?" Jack made two anyway, knowing full well
that Daniel would just leave it on his plate again, and he'd have to
throw it out. No, knowing damn well Daniel was...
Dead.
Jack sat back in his favourite armchair, eyes closed, head resting
against a pillow. Let Daniel have the sofa.
No, get a grip. Let Daniel go.
________________
_____Daniel______
Light was everywhere, light was life. It was sound, emotion, feelings;
hunger, friendship, love. Light permeated every cell of every living
thing in this dimension, and Daniel was forcing himself to expand into
it.
Forcing himself, whereas he should be eagerly welcoming the novelty,
the exploration, the adventure. After all, how many people on Earth
could actually say they've been to the afterlife, paradise,Valhalla,
Eden, Nirvana, and? survived? Unless, of course, this was death, and
he'd managed to find it too soon. A thin line, between life and death.
Light beings floating behind and above him, mesmerizing what was left
of his human senses, senses that were becoming duplicated, exaggerated,
filling every human cell of his transforming human body. There was
knowledge within that he never could have dreamed of, and the extent to
which it filled his soul was overwhelming for a simple human who had
wanted only some sort of life change, a different path to follow.
Fancy that, going through an approaching early mid-life crisis and
finding yourself in a place where all questions are answered, in time,
where there is no need for curiosity, for all will be revealed to
ensure one's spiritual growth?no need for curiosity, that driving force
in Daniel's previous life, the force that had made life...worth living.
Yes, this should all be very fascinating. Should be exhilarating,
miraculous.
Except that Daniel knew he'd been forced into this before he was ready.
And while he knew he ought to be thinking of his spiritual development,
of accepting guidance from these beings of pureness and vitality, of
how to be one with the quest, the truth, the love?
Yes, while he knew he ought to be thinking of all those things that
would lead him to ascension for eternity, instead he kept thinking
about...beer.
And he didn't even like beer.
_____________
Jack had been back at work for weeks now, making as if life could pick
up and go on as usual. The fact was, Sam had been moping the entire
time, saying barely a word to anyone, locked away in her lab where he
had walked in on her one day to find her crying. Teal'c had been doing
a hell of a lot of kel'no'reeming lately, and was otherwise his usual
compliant self, albeit much quieter than ever, as much as that was
possible. And he? He was considering retirement.
Sure, he'd seen comrades taken before his eyes, and it had always hurt.
Always. Even knowing he had to keep a distance, the moments he had seen
it happen, and for many nights alone afterwards, he couldn't get their
faces out of his mind. And he had always picked up and moved on, just
like a good soldier should.
Yet being good at what he did couldn't block out this latest loss,
couldn't accept it, justify it, or forget it. This one was Daniel, and
years of working side by side with a man with whom he had developed the
kind of bond in which each would give up his life for the other,
mission after deadly mission that threatened to take a teammate's life
each time they left home, kind of got into every living cell of tissue,
muscle, blood. To put it simply, Daniel was the closest friend he'd
had in what amounted to a lifetime, and he missed him fiercely.
Jack saw Daniel every time he walked past that office, the workroom
Daniel used to practically live in, his light remaining on in welcome
till all hours of the night or early morning. Jack couldn't pass that
doorway any more. Wouldn't even get off on that floor, if he didn't
have to.
Jack saw Daniel in the commissary, playing with his waffles and
drinking bad coffee. It was hard trying to avoid that place, though,
even when he brought his own sandwiches from home. That couldn't
always work, and ordering in to the SGC was not an option being
sanctioned by General Hammond.
Jack saw Daniel on the ramp to the Stargate, biting his lip and looking
like he was a thousand light years away before he even left home.
Jack saw Daniel every time he woke Jonas for second watch.
The memories of Daniel were everywhere, and Jack's mind wouldn't let
them rest.
So, Jack was considering retirement, again, only this time?this time,
it would definitely be permanent. So much had happened since that night
when he was first summoned back to the SGC, back to the Stargate
program. One fateful night...if the Goa'uld had never decided to try
Earth's coordinates one more time... Jack would never have come out of
retirement the first time, and Daniel would still be living on Abydos.
Instead of dead.
So instead of writing the mission report, Jack was staring at a three-
quarters finished draft of his resignation. A draft that, for some
reason, he couldn't bring himself to complete.
Taking the last sip from his coffee mug, he rose to pour another. Two;
if he didn't get one for Daniel , the man might think he was being
forgotten.
_______________
_____Daniel_____
Training, although it wasn't training, in the pure sense of the word.
Learning to be one of them, it was a matter of relaxing, concentrating,
and letting knowledge flow freely into one's mind. But Daniel would
find his mind wandering, and would fight to bring it back on track.
Frustrated, he had never been such a poor student.
It had all been overwhelming at first. Daniel had arrived feeling like
a small, lost, insignificant particle caught up in a sweeping worldwind
of time and timelessness. Friends' faces appeared and disappeared;
part of his training was to learn to forget and give up his past life.
Then it had become easier, slightly. The mind could do outrageously
wonderful and beautiful things, and he was a part of it. Small
miracles, by the standards of the merely human life he had grown up
knowing, wonders that went far beyond explanation, wonders that he
wished desperately to be able to share with Sam...
Sam. Jack. His training wasn't going nearly as well as he knew it
should. Yet the unearthly instructors were patient, understanding. Of
course they were. But when all the parlour tricks had been tried and
done, Daniel realized that he was, well, bored.
He wanted a challenge, yes, but a challenge of finding things out for
himself, of solving Earth's riddles by putting the pieces together. His
mind kept returning to the Stargate. The Goa'uld. Sam, lovely Sam.
Jack. Yes, how was Jack doing now, without him?
Daniel practiced his lessons, watched the rhythm of harmony and light
around him, all the while knowing his heart wasn't in it, he needed
even more than this, ungrateful human as he was. But how could he think
of light and love and truth, when all he could think of, for some
reason, was...coffee?
_______________
'The Skies of March', by Julian Edwards. Jack fingered the book, a
fictionalized account of the ancient astronomers of Peru. A gift from
Daniel, to symbolize the bond between the ancient cultures of his own
intellectual world, and Jack's love of the night sky. A birthday gift
given with thought and sincerity. It had lain unopened for nearly a
year, but now, reading into the fourth chapter, Jack couldn't
understand why. This book was good, and he'd never even be able to
tell Daniel.
_______________
_____Daniel_____
Can one be kicked out of heaven? Or whatever this place actually was,
the dimension of utmost purity? Daniel wasn't sure, although he knew
he owed these beings for saving his life, for giving him back a
semblance of the structural body he had had, with no visible injuries.
Yes, he could see his body when he wished to. Curing him had been a
simple process; all it had taken was a group of beings surrounding him
with light, with love. All it took was belief. How could he justify
letting them down like this? And what would happen to him if he did?
While he didn't want to find out, didn't want to fail, wanted to learn
all the secrets of mankind and the universe and beyond, he was
realizing it was more intriguing to discover answers by himself, over
time, using his thought processes and deductive skills, than to be an
all-knowing being. For some reason, he was starting to miss his
friends on Earth, the jokes, the pizza, the all-night think sessions
with Sam, nights on Jack's roof. Come on, he'd passed all that, didn't
need it any longer. That's what he'd been led to believe, anyway.
That was what he'd hoped for. Getting on with his life.
So why did he keep wishing he could discuss 'The Skies of March' with
Jack? For goodness' sake, as far as he knew, the man had tossed the
book onto a shelf where it was still accumulating dust bunnies. 'Too
bad, Jack, you would've liked that one.'
_______________
Jack was completely immersed in the eleventh chapter now. Truth was, he
couldn't put the book down. All his spare moments, though few and far
between, had been devoted to holding, reading, savoring this historical
novel. Not only because it had been given to him by Daniel, but because
the protagonist *was* Daniel. Driven by curiosity, an intelligent
astronomer who went against the ways of his people, people who
preferred religion and ceremony, illusions and magic, to the scientific
theories of the radical astronomers. This character reminded Jack so
much of Daniel, he was allowing his friend to come alive in the pages
while he read. It was therapy, only Jack was afraid to allow the story
to end.
_______________
_____Daniel_____
This wasn't just a passing thought. It was an obsession. Couldn't get
'The Skies of March' out of his mind. For many a training session, or
whatever he could use to count the passage of time in this place, it
was all he had thought about. Somehow, he had to convince Jack to read
it.
What was he thinking? He had no communication with his former? family.
He couldn't convince Jack to do anything.
Family. That word was foreign to his mind, now. Yet just thinking it,
remembering it, brought a sense of agonizing loss. Nostalgia. Funny, he
hadn't felt anything remotely negative in the time he'd been here,
however long that was. A week, a month, a year?there was no sense of
time. Now, that word...family...family... he knew he was not radiating
pure white light, but a sadness of blues. Here, there were guardians.
Instructors, teachers, kindness. But no real family. No one to tell
him he was special, and, more importantly, no one who needed *him*.
He didn't know why Jack needed to read 'The Skies of March', just knew
he had to. Unless...unless...he was reading it already?
If only he could see Jack. Somewhere. But the only place Daniel knew he
could go, was Kheb. Hey, Jack, you wouldn't be planning a mission to
Kheb any time soon, would you?
_______________
Jack wiped at his eyes. Damn, it was only a book. Yeah, right. So
the astronomer was persecuted for his beliefs, which later turned out
to be correct, by the way, but never retracted his convictions. How
many times had this story been rewritten over time? Seems every age had
their share of martyrs.
Anyway, he wasn't crying for a character in a book. The tears were for
Daniel, so there.
God, he missed him.
While the man's presence seemed to linger through every room in his
house, every area worth anything at the compound, Jack needed to be
somewhere closer. Closer to Daniel, just for a day. An hour, he'd
even settle for an hour. Crap, why couldn't he let the man go?
Because the foundations of friendship still reached ten miles
underground. Jack needed to reach out for that once more, one last
time and then?then maybe he could let Daniel go.
He needed to be somewhere Daniel was connected to. He needed to be
somewhere?like Kheb?
PART TWO
Why Hammond had okayed this mission, Jack had no idea. Kheb?what were
they going to find? What were they looking for?
Jack had trusted Daniel to find a harcesis child that no one but Daniel
really believed existed, and Hammond had not vetoed the missions. Now,
the general was allowing personal use of the Stargate ? which, to Jack,
amounted to the same thing ? in order to seek out something that Jack
couldn't place his finger on. But Hammond had understood. Jack just
needed to go to Kheb.
Now, walking towards that distant monastery, he had his slight
misgivings. Only, however, because the magnetic feelings kept growing
stronger with each forward step. He knew he was doing the right thing.
Sam had been more hesitant, cautious. Jack was worried about her,
taking this trek into such personal woods. She and Teal'c hadn't, after
all, been the ones talking to Daniel all these weeks. As far as he
knew.
The whole way there, the trio remained in silence. Jack had not
thought Jonas should come along on this one.
The monastery loomed up ahead, and Jack's nerves recoiled. There was
mystery here, but also death. And life. And if he didn't find what he
was looking for, whatever that may be, he knew that retirement
resignation would be seeing the light of day. He'd just had to do this
first. This, he knew, was his final good-bye.
He saw Sam pale as they drew up to the door, and her hesitation caused
inside him a regret that she had volunteered to come along. Out of
what, loyalty? To him, or to Daniel? She was hurting, and he didn't
know what would make her feel better. "You can stay out here, Sam,"
O'Neill said quietly.
"No, Sir. I...I want to go in."
Teal'c and Sam followed Jack into the cool interior. Looking around,
there was emptiness. Empty of furniture, empty of warmth, both
spiritual and physical. Empty of hope, curiosity, strength. Empty of
Daniel.
Sam wandered the room slowly, stopping to gaze upon the inscriptions.
She turned her head to the floor, before anyone could see the dampness
on her face. Teal'c remained as a sentinel in the doorway.
Jack sat half-heartedly on the floor, preparing to say his good-byes.
He didn't know what he'd expected.
_______________
_____Daniel_____
Whiteness. Transporting him to wherever he needed to be, on the wings
of thought. He'd learned that bit recently, about the power of his own
thoughts, a lesson that was controlled by the instructors, for one was
only given the power of thought when one's thoughts proved to be?pure
benevolence. Although it was unlikely that one would be in this place
at all, if their thoughts were much less in the first place. They'd
been correct; to come here, one must first free themselves of the
burdens of anger and hatred.
He'd been practicing this lesson above all others, recently?for Daniel
was being drawn, like a magnet, back to Kheb.
_______________
They all saw it, not one noticing first, all heads looked up, for it
seemed to come straight out of the ceiling...a cloud, a wispy
whiteness, and it grew more and more brilliant, until the light was
hovering just above the floor, and in its midst this brilliance started
to fade, slowly...
"Oma Desala?" Jack verbalized in hushed tones, wishing for, yet not
expecting, it to be something ? someone ? else .
They observed, eyes unmoving off the fading light, as gradually a form
began to take shape, to darken, to materialize, to gain substance.
Memories of a monk...had he been real? Or centuries old, sent for
seekers?
The moments stood still, the team's expressions mirroring one
another's, staring, unblinking...at the now nearly solid form of
Daniel, wrapped in flowing robes of golden peach.
"Oh god." Sam's whispered gasp caused Teal'c to turn towards her. She
looked faint, and he grasped her lower arm.
"D?Daniel?" Jack was struggling, again, to hold back his emotions.
The apparition was mouthing words, but there was silence. His lips were
moving, yet no sound came forth.
"We are unable to hear you, Daniel Jackson." Thank goodness Teal'c was
still in control of his voice, thought Jack.
A faint smile, and the vision closed its eyes. Remaining like that for
moments, seemingly in intense concentration, the form of Daniel fully
touched the floor, and became stronger. Eyes remaining closed,
becoming stronger still?and then Daniel was as solid as the rest of SG-
1.
"God that was hard," he smiled.
Sam's hand flew to her mouth, eyebrows lowered in tension, she really
really didn't want to cry...
"Is that you, Daniel Jackson?" Yes, thank goodness Teal'c was still in
control of his voice.
Daniel stared in disbelief. He'd?done it! Somehow, some way, he'd made
contact with his team. No, with his family. "It is, Teal'c," he
whispered. Feelings, that he hadn't had for a very long time now, and
they were nearly overwhelming.
"Are you?are you, uh, solid?" Jack found his voice.
Daniel looked down at himself. "I, um, I seem to be, Jack. I've never
done this before," he replied with that quick half-smile they all
remembered too well.
"Good. Then I can do this." Jack moved forward, tentatively placing
his hands on Daniel's shoulders. Feeling a solid human body beneath his
touch, he enclosed his...friend...in a thick embrace. If this was
good-bye, this time he would damn well make it worth it.
Daniel found himself being enclosed from all sides. Yes, this was what
he'd been missing ? people who could make him feel special, and most of
all, people who needed him.
It was a while before any of them were willing to pull away.
"Daniel?" Jack had one thing in particular he needed to say to his
friend. "Thank you for 'The Skies of March'."
Daniel's wide blue eyes held onto Jack for a long moment. So they *
had* made contact. "Thought you'd like it," he smiled.
"Daniel...you don't...can you..." Sam couldn't express what she wanted
to know. Didn't want to know what she thought she'd hear.
"Are you restricted to remaining on Kheb, Daniel Jackson?"
Yes, thought Sam. That was it.
"Um, I'm not sure, Teal'c."
"How...how are you doing, Daniel?" Jack bit his bottom lip.
"Good. Uh, not bad. They've taken care of me. Fixed me up," Daniel
grinned, indicating his body. "It's amazing out there, fascinating."
"Why'd you come here today?" Jack had to know what was going on.
Daniel considered his reply. "You called me."
"*You* called *me*."
"That too."
The three members of SG-1 silently observed their former friend, glad
beyond words to be able to speak with him, to see that he was alright;
laden with grief that they would have to leave him again. But if they
knew that they could see him sometimes, maybe?just maybe it wouldn't
hurt so much.
"Fascinating, huh? So?you like it...up there?" Jack tried a new
approach. He was getting at something, just didn't know quite how.
"I miss you guys like crazy."
That was it, what he needed to hear. Jack muttered this quickly. "Come
back with us."
Three figures caught their breath, wanting to hear this question,
wanting to hear the answer, not wanting to hear the answer. Not wanting
to be rejected.
Daniel closed his eyes, mentally exploring his semi-new body. He could
feel the light pulsating within. It was keepng a tight hold on his
concentration, this physical state of being. "I don't think I can."
"Try."
"I'm not sure that I know enough about this. I need to learn how to do
this properly, or even if it's poosible. I'm not sure if I?if I want
to." Even looking at their grief-stricken faces, beautiful desperate
faces, he couldn't forget the lure of the light...
"Oh." That was different.
"Permanently, I mean. Do you, um, think I'd be allowed to come for, um,
a visit?"
_______________
"Oma went through, so did you," Jack commented with optimism.
"As light entities, Jack."
"Sir, we don't know if Daniel will exit with his physical body or not,
but that's not the only thing we have to consider. He might just lose
himself in the wormhole if he transforms within it."
They neared the Stargate with extreme trepidation. Jack's wisecracks
had been accepted as his means of relief and releasing tension, his
sideways glances at Daniel and frequent grins giving away any secrets
he'd been intent on concealing. Carter never left Daniel's side, her
arm sneaking up to his every few moments. Even Teal'c could not seem
to keep his eyes off his old friend. Approaching the gate now, no one
knew the consequences of what the energy fields would bring.
Daniel's own hold on his current state was tenuous. He knew he hadn't
been there long enough to know what he was doing. Maybe it was too
soon. Maybe Oma would be angry...if she could get angry. Disappointed
in him? Maybe this was irresponsible. Maybe this wasn't even possible.
Why hadn't she told him, if he could someday go home?
"Daniel Jackson. You must now decide if this is worth the attempt."
Teal'c studied Daniel's face as the vortex splashed outwards. He had
frequently seen his young friend without his spectacles, but there was
something different about Daniel's features now?they were... softer,
gentler than they'd been in a long while, almost radiant. Perhaps he
should remain, as he seemed to be doing so well...
Throughout the journey to the gate, Daniel had pondered that same
question. Did he have the nerve to try this? At least, here with Oma
and her enlightened band of wisdom teachers, he was alive, accepted,
honoured, fulfilled. Fulfilled? He could still feel Sam touching his
arm, so very gently. The look in Jack's eyes the moment he'd
materialized, well, he couldn't forget that. Couldn't get enough of
that. That had been fulfilling, for a few moments. He needed to be
needed.
"I'm giving it a try, Teal'c. If it doesn't work, then I guess I'll
never know."
"And we'll have killed you again?" Jack lifted his eyebrows.
"My choice, Jack."
"And you'll have killed yourself again?" Holy freakin' donuts, was he
joking about this now? Maybe now was still too soon.
Daniel closed his eyes, feeling the light pulsating within him once
more. "Come on," he said, taking hold of Sam and Jack's arms. "Let's do
this."
_______________
PART THREE
The wide open mouths and eyes, the silence in the room, the complete
and total stillness as not a single person twitched a finger, was
enough to encase Jack's face in a wide grin as four teammates stepped
through the wormhole into the embarkation room. Jack nonchalantly
strode down the ramp. "Got what I went for, General," he pompously
declared.
General Hammond found his voice. "Doctor Jackson?"
"At a loss for words, Sir?" Jack couldn't stop grinning.
"How is this possible?"
"Um?good to see you, Sir. Actually, I don't know how long it's possible
for," Daniel already felt his strength sincerely waning, as his
teammates stared at his body and Jack's smile suddenly faded. Looking
down, Daniel realized he was losing his control. Wisps of light
emanated from his robes.
This time, the silence was from concern, uncertainty, anxiety.
Daniel closed his eyes, taking long moments to concentrate, to focus.
He really didn't know how to do this properly. Maybe this was a
mistake. No, how could it be a mistake when he'd get to see his old
friends, spend a bit of time? He knew he'd be going back, eventually,
anyway. Just ...he just had to keep his concentration for a few hours,
that would be good enough, that would be something.
His body settled, and he could sense the release of breaths around him.
Perhaps his own had been included in that sound, somewhere.
"Daniel? You okay?"
Daniel smiled. "Seems so, Jack." His smile faded. "But I don't think I
can do this for more than a few hours." More than he'd realized, those
words saddened him. Maybe he wanted this more than he'd let himself
believe.
"Come, Daniel. Where do you want to go first? Commissary, for real
people food? Hey, what do you eat up there, anyway?"
Food. Daniel hadn't considered that. He wasn't hungry, this body
probably wasn't as real as they thought. Group illusion? No, they'd
hugged him. He had substance.
"I'd like to see what the archeaologists are working on in the labs."
Already he could feel the curiosity flowing. This was exciting, this
was his love...
_______________
Daniel walked around the artifacts that had been recovered since
he'd...been gone. Interesting, that one was unusual. "What's this
writing?"
"No one has been able to figure that out yet, Sir," a lab technician
he'd never met before eyed him with interest.
"Sir...uh, no. Hi, I'm Daniel," Daniel held out his hand to the man. I
*was* Daniel. I am Daniel.
"I've heard about you, S...Daniel. A pleasure."
Well, his story had certainly spread around the base, he realized.
Taking another look at the artifact, Daniel recognized some symbols.
"Try Futhark, a Proto-Canaanite runic script," he suggested, moving on,
as the scientist frowned, looking once again at the piece before him.
Sam caught Jack's eye. "P4X 353, Sir?"
Jack paused. Sure, why not? "Daniel, we'd like you to listen to
somethiing."
They'd gone to 353 two weeks before, a promising industrial market
town. The potential for trade had seemed hopeful, except that no one
could communicate. They'd made tapes of the language, taken it back to
the SGC. None of the linguists or historians on base had been able to
make headway.
Daniel listened to the recording. "Tandian and Mayan," he commented.
"Tandian?" Sam queried. "That planet we were on a couple of years ago,
where that family cooked us a meal in their pyramidal home?"
"Their language was closer to ancient Mixtec, a Mesoamerican culture,"
Daniel explained, "But this seems to be a derivation of it, mixed with
Mayan vocabulary. I recorded as much of the language as I could, just
check my files."
The others in the room stared wide-eyed. "Daniel," Sam began, "do you
know how long we would've had to be working on this?"
Daniel might have felt pride, another day, at another time. But now,
he was overwhelmed with sorrow, a feeling he had seldom had since
acquiring his new home. A sorrow that indicated he was no longer part
of this. He lived, no, *resided*, now, in a place where all answers are
known if only one knows how to look. Where the only curiosity needed
is the wonder of how to keep replacing one's body at will. That wasn't
living, was it? He shook the thoughts out of his head. What gave him
the right to complain? He wasn't *supposed* to be living. He was
supposed to be dead.
Jack knew they needed this man. *He* needed him, Sam needed him, the
department needed him, the SGC needed him, Earth needed him, okay, he
could go on but that was getting a bit redundant. He'd somehow find a
way for Daniel to stay. Sam could figure it out, or Doc Frasier. Oma
didn't need Daniel, and for crying out loud, they *did*. Whether the
man wanted to stay or not; he'd soon come to see the light. Oh, bad
choice of words.
Daniel looked around the room, at all the faces he had known so well
and had tried so hard to forget, his friends and the few faces of
former acquaintances and strangers, seated at their tables, or
wandering the room. This place, so foreign and different now, felt
strangely like home. He needed to go back, to learn more, so that he
could return again.
His friends saw the wispy light, fainter than before.
"I think I need to go back now."
Daniel's face held a gentle sorrow, he knew the heartache could not be
handled again and again. No, this could very well be the last time he
would come.
"Daniel Jackson. Perhaps you would benefit from joining me in
kel'no'reem?"
Daniel knew Teal'c was asking...sure, as a friend offering a solution,
yet he felt as well that Teal'c needed his company. A final and parting
good-bye, a shared journey into the meditative state, into Teal'c own
means of rejuvenation.
"You're right, Teal'c. And I'd be honoured to accompany you." Nodding
softly to the two friends who would not be part of the next hour or
two, and who wanted to be with him as much as Teal'c did, he promised,
"We'll have a bit of time afterwards."
But Sam and Jack followed.
"Kel'no'reem. Always been meaning to try that again," Jack retorted. If
he had half a day with Daniel, he was damn well going to keep his
friend in sight.
_______________
The lightness inside his head was comfortable, a place he was now
familiar with. His body didn't feel natural; it was heavy, and to shed
it even within his mind was a comfort. He could hear voices, see
brightness...someone was there...Oma...Oma was there, and ...and...
Jack? Oma was talking to Jack? Daniel strained to hear what they were
saying, but all he could hear were songs... singing... choral voices,
drowning out his thoughts...
Whoa! Cool, he hadn't known he could actually do this, this kel'no'reem
thing. Other than when Daniel had communicated with him on his
deathbed, well, that was?they were connected, then, in friendship, in
mutual admiration, in love and deep respect. But now, here he was,
talking with Oma? Not really in words, she had more like entered his
brain?but that's what meditation was supposed to be, right?
Focus. Listen. Hear her. Those soft, gentle, penetrating eyes,
harmonizing with his soul...no wonder Daniel was so mesmerized.
`Let him go. You are holding on, and Daniel cannot let go go this life.
He is not learning quickly, he is distracted. You have been calling to
him, holding him back. Daniel will not succeed, until you allow
yourself to let him go.'
Jack knew she was speaking the truth. `He's my friend. I miss him.'
Her eyes were kind. `He misses you. He feels pulled in two directions,
and is unsure if he has chosen correctly. You must aid him, convince
him that he has done the right thing, or he will be trapped in his body
and unable to release himself. His learnings will be ended, his quest
for our knowledge unattainable.'
`What do you mean, trapped inside his body? Are you saying he could
stay with us? But he was irreparably damaged, his real body is gone.'
`You know of many races with powerful healing tools. You have seen the
abilities of my race, Jack O'Neill. Do you think we could not heal the
body of the one you so cherish? He has already been healed. He retains
his body even now. Along with this we have offered him a new path, one
that he is in desperate need to follow. That need is a great burning
desire within him, yet he has not enjoyed his invitation. His
development has been greatly hindered by his ties to his former home.
Please. Think of what you must do for your friend. Release him, then he
can decide freely. He must not choose because of you. If you are to set
him free, do so before the next sunset. Do what you feel is best for
Daniel, not for yourself. If you wish not to hinder his development,
you must set him free.'
Release him. Before the next sunset. That still gave him almost six
hours with his friend.
_____
"The meditation worked wonders, Teal'c. Thank you for inviting me."
Daniel felt much more solid than he had before. He was not in a hurry
to get back to Kheb, back to his own land, and re-experience the loss
and heartache. He knew he would be enveloped in love and enlightening
strengths when he returned, but it just wasn't the same as Sam's arm
touching his...
"My place?" Jack asked hopefully."Everyone, for a short tribute to old
times?"
"Will they let me off the base, Jack?"
"Is it advisable for Daniel Jackson to leave the base, O'Neill? His
proximity to the Stargate might be wise."
Yeah, they were right in their own eyes, but Jack knew that Daniel had
at least until 9 pm. He wasn't going to tell them of his ultimatum,
though. That was a bit embarrassing, he'd have to acknowledge a few
things first.
"If Daniel thinks he needs to get back, we'll come back. Can't you do
that kel'no'reem thing again if he starts to fade on us?"
Daniel really did want to get off the base, to see some part of his
former life, real life. "We can try, Teal'c. Jack, I'd like to go back
to your place for a short while."
"Great, it's settled then. I'll go clear it with Hammond."
_______________
While General Hammond had not thought it a wise idea, he knew how
important this was to SG-1. With Jack's promise of permanent and
eternal obedience if anything went wrong, the four were now cosily
ensconced in Jack's living room. What small price for having Daniel
back where his ghost still lingered. Jack had had to get him back
here, to wipe out those ghosts. The memories would remain forever, he
knew, but maybe at least now he could stop making two of everything,
stop talking to a missing companion.
"Beer, anyone,to go with the pizzas?" Jack returned from the kitchen
with the plates.
"None for me, Jack," Daniel grinned.
"Ya sure? You might be able to handle it, you know," Jack retorted
jovially. A drunken light?no, no jokes. Daniel was here with them right
now, alive, if only temporarily, and that's what he was tryiing to add
to his memories.
"No, I never liked it much anyway. Although," Daniel added, "sometimes
I still think of it, for some weird reason."
"You do?"
"Yeah?like I'm watching you drink it, or something. Or you're offering
it to me."
Jack's eyes narrowed. Oh hell.
Let him go, Jack.
The evening was passing too quickly, and while Daniel neither ate nor
drank, he felt well. Memories surfaced, were brought to light in easy
reminiscences, hope in the air, thankfulness that they had had this one
last farewell with the friend who had so tragically and suddenly left
that no joy had remained in their hearts. They needed this evening, to
watch Daniel, to hear his gentle voice, to caringly and sincerely be
with him for one last time. And the hope lingered in their hearts that
maybe one day they could do this again. Maybe this was not really the
final farewell?
Jack watched the clock, watched the sun moving lower in the sky. It
would be dark in about two hours. He had to get Daniel back to the base
soon, back to the Stargate. Back home. Had to tell him. Had to finally
let him go.
"Daniel?could I speak to you a minute?" Jack tilted his head towards
the kitchen.
Daniel stood up, to the glances of Sam and Teal'c, and followed Jack
into the kitchen. They probably understood.
At first, there was silence.
"I've missed you."
"I missed you guys too."
"Tell me, Daniel. If you could stay here, would you?"
Daniel was about to respond, then caught himself. If he said yes, then
when the inevitable time came to leave wouldn't Jack feel sorrow, pain,
helplessness? What would be the point to admitting to a desire for an
unattainable goal? No. He could make it easier on them all right now.
He would do what was right.
"No. I? I think I need to be there. It's?incredible there. Every answer
to every question of the universe is open to our minds, and all we have
to do is learn to access the information. I'm still in the process of
learning," though not very well, Daniel added silently.
Oh. Then tell him he'd better be getting back, in an hour or so.
"I talk to you, you know. All the time. I see you on the roof looking
at the stars, I see you in the garden watching the chipmunks." And
while he was confessing, he may as well admit to one more thing. "I
make you cups of coffee." Ouch. That was embarrassing.
Daniel heard the words, didn't know what to say. That he'd love to stay
if he could? Spend another night looking at the stars? Join the team
and save the archaeologists on base weeks of translation work in
languages they'd never encountered? That he needed to be *needed*?
"I'm sorry." Sorry I hurt you so badly, Jack. Sorry I can't be there to
listen when you need my friendship.
"Yeah. So am I." Maybe Daniel didn't want to stay, but seeing him here
now, standing in his kitchen, chatting as if all were natural, Jack
hadn't figured out a way to let him go. No. He wasn't going to tell
Daniel. Let him stay; find out what Oma meant by that.
The sun was sinking, dusk approaching to signal an end to the long
summer day. Back with the others, laughing, joking, enjoying each
other's presence, each time Jack caught Daniel's glance in the
conversation, he found himself guiltily looking away.
So what. He could live with guilt, if it meant he'd get to keep his
friend. Oma had said Daniel could stay, that he'd missed them. Daniel
had admitted he'd missed them all too. So, what was so terrible?
Sam seemed so happy. It was worth it to make her happy. She'd already
commented a half dozen times that Daniel had been well for several
hours, had not seemed to fade into light. Teal'c had replied that
Daniel must be getting a handle on this concentration crap, although
Teal'c had used a more suitable word. Daniel had jokingly attributed
his healthy state to kel'no'reem.
"Jack? You've been awfully quiet for a while. You okay?"
"Yeah." Just thinking about you going back, Danny. Or not going back.
Not going back because your friend kind of kidnapped you. Kind of
didn't give you the choice that would alter the course of the rest of
your life. Not going back because your selfish friend couldn't handle
it.
Daniel would get back to Kheb, close his eyes, concentrate on the
light, and find he couldn't become one with it any more. He'd hate
them, forever. Stranded forever at the SGC. And the next time he died,
Oma wouldn't come and rescue his butt.
Jack knew he'd crossed the line this time, taking matters into his own
hands, and he'd gone too far.
Shit.
He'd found a way to let Daniel go.
"Daniel...can I talk to you a minute?" Jack motioned, heading towards
the kitchen.
Daniel followed.
At first there was silence.
"Daniel?we have to get you back to the base."
Daniel was confused. "Why? I still feel fine. We're having a good time
here, Jack."
"Shit. I know, Daniel...but there's something I didn't tell you."
Daniel remained silent, looking into Jack's eyes with his own wide
puzzled ones. Oh how Jack remembered that look.
"Daniel...when you were doing kel'no'reem, I kind of had a vision from
Oma. She gave me a message for you."
"You did? Oh...I saw you two talking but couldn't hear what you were
saying."
"She said you had to decide by sunset whether you wanted to stay or
not. She said you could stay here if you want, you're cured and all."
Daniel's eyes opened even wider; felt his heart leaping. "And you
didn't tell me this...why?"
"Because you wanted to leave. And I wanted to keep you here." He
shrugged, looking lost, repentant.
"And you're telling me now...why?"
"Because it's *your* choice to make, Daniel, not mine. Oma knew I had
to be the one to realize that. She said I had...trouble letting you
go."
"Oh."
"So we can go now. There's just under an hour."
"No."
It was Jack's turn now to be surprised. "No?"
"No. If I'd known I could stay, I would've told you a hell of a long
time before now."
Daniel wanted to stay? Here? On Earth?
"Why'd you say you wanted to go back?"
"So you wouldn't feel guilty and helpless in the face of the
inevitable. So you'd think I was where I wanted to be, and be happy for
me. So you wouldn't miss me any more."
"Damnit, Daniel, you're a fool."
"So are you."
"Yeah." They both broke into grins.
"You're sure? I can stay?"
"Why do you want to? What about all that knowledge?"
"Boring. It comes too easily. No need to use my skills. I'll admit,
Jack, my reasoning powers are a lot better than my mental light tricks.
Maybe I can show you some time...?"
"Nope. They're gone."
"You sure?"
"Oma said so."
"So if I don't go back tonight, I'm staying for good?" Daniel was still
grinning. He couldn't believe this was true.
"Unless she lies. So...if you stay the night, in the morning I'll be
able to ask you the question I've been dying to hear you answer since
this happened."
"What's that?"
"What do you want for breakfast?"
_____
The room was still swathed in blackness when Jack abruptly awoke, and,
opening a tired eye a crack, he noted that his clock read 5:36 am. A
sick feeling welled up inside him, and the realization hit forcefully
that Daniel...
No.
No, it wasn't a dream, not any more.
Jack sank back in relief, resting comfortably in his pillow. No more
horrible feelings upon awakening.
Daniel was back.
_______________________________________